o yah
new ink. 5 stars on the wrist for my five love lost. Aunt Chrissy, Mohammed, James, Dru && my brother J Bird. 3 Baby stars behind the ear for the babies, Ethan (my son)Clayton, and Faith. Next rosary around my ankle and resting on my foot with my brothers intials on the cross, the enitre outline of the Caribbean Islands on my left side, down my rib cage to my hip, and hebrew script on the back of my neck, cant make up my mind what exactly i want there and then im done.7 is a good number its a whole number 7 coverable works of meaningful art. <3
ahhhh
okay so im having some major cabin fever, seriously. I want to be by myself, and when I am I dont want to be alone. But there is no one near (aside from Jordyn) that id even consider sharing space and oxygen with, not even my friends, im just really not in the mood to be in my own skin. My creative juices are on an all time HIGH for some reason today and im frustrated because it's ugly outside, andi dont have a subject. Well I have Jordyn but what I invisioned is not for a child. Soooo when worse comes to worse use yourself as your own canvass and critque the shit out of you. So I did.
deng lil whooadiie (trials of a baby mama)
So my new SK LX came in the mail yesterday, thank you lawd because my other one was sooo DONEZO. I put miles on SK'S. Ahhh my BeHOLD IS ON THEE WAY I'M JUICED. Yes I am one of those people who have more than one phone. I have issues, I get bored BUT I have issues with change, I dont do change well but I played with it for like an hour at the T-HOMo store and I'm sold. It reminds me of my cousins DARE which I damn near nutted over. And all my apps and ringtones were xfrd' over and lookie lookie what I found chillin in my text sent folder. Hmmmm.
please go practice killing yourself & that platoon! lets hope you get it right the first time. call me what u want. I can care less what u think. I shouldn't of even told u half of what was goin on the small portion that I did tell u anyway. should of just let you call. let u make yourself mad. u better hope a check comes in the mail so u have something to talk to jordyn on. if not o well. leave me alone. really go do something with yourself, go catch an STD, inpregnante some chick have a shot gun wedding. and move on with your life. the short one I'm sure u will have. imsoodonewith you. goodbye.
Geezeee. :o( that's mild compared to some of the other verbal bidness I've given the sperm donor. I read it now, and I'm like dood really? You shouldn't have even wasted your time. Hella slacked on changing my number because I didn't want to cut all communication off between the sperm donor and Jordyn. It just didn't feel right. UNTIL I was fed up, he wasn't calling to talk to Jordyn he was calling to talk to me, either to talk shit about me being neglectful as a mother because I bust my ass work 12 plus hr shifts days AND nights and go to school. Please! C'mon now son. Or he's calling talking about he still loves me and wants his family black. NEGATIVE PRIVATE SPERM DONOR NEVER GONNA HAPPEN. I dont understand how you tell someone no, we been there done that we are oil and water we DO NOT MIX and then they wanna dig in their 'bag o feelins' and call u all kinda bitches, cunts, sluts, whores, etc?? And I'm like riiighhhhht, I'm all of that and yet your begging me? Dumb! So most of the time he doesn't even call to talk to Joey, he calls when she's in school or I'm at work. I just stopped answering his calls. VMail treatment tough. FYI I never check my vmail. The texts never stopped so. I told him to call his mom when she watches Jordyn. I changed my number and all is good in the hood with me. I got Jordyn a line and a lil cell and told him he can call that to speak with her. Has he called yet? NEGATIVE! Ooo Jordyn just thought she was bammmb.com when I gave her, her cell. 3.5 yo with a cell... shame BUT THEE SOLUTION AND LESS STRESS. Ughhh hell be home on leave in like 3 weeks. Ughhh.
Jordyn loves the hell out of that man though. Daddy's little girl. Frustrated the living bajeezus out of me that I bust my ass and she's all moody with me and he does nothing but feed her false hope and broken promises but to her, his shit dont stink. Yet! She will form her own opinion of him and he doesn't have to worry about proving anything to me he's going to have a hell of a time proving it to her! She is her mamas baby she dont take no ish! (3 months later and we are still waiting on the package he promised to send her, yet he was bragging about buying a new laptop. Ppfft) Too bad he can't fathom the fact that any success in life WILL NEVER OUT WEIGH A FAILURE AT HOME. HE SIGNED OVER ALL CUSTODY AND RIGHTS... his bad. Now he wanna bump gums about what he's entitled too. Please. SIKE YOUR MIND.
Oooo my fav line ever was "it feels good to know that my child support pays your rent." WTFeezy! Ha! Doesn't even cover my rent. And I make your CSUP for a month in a shift and a half. So please go saddown! The money he sends goes to Jordyn. Anything she needs and wants, she has it. Hair products for mixed kids aint no joke son! She's growing sooo fast out of all her clothes and shoes everytime I turn around. Yiikkess. && no we dont do velcro shoes from walmart. *shurgs* lets just say mom works hard for hers and her and her baby dont walk around lookin like just anything, blame the parental unit they spoiled me.
Moral of my random rant. Drop the dead weight and eliminate stress in your life.
Oo and I'm sick AGAIN. I been sick off and on for almost 3 months. Jordyn and I keep passing germs to one another. Its all those snot nose kids at her school and my patients too. Strep and head cold this time. Hella ghey. I feel like my head is going to explode from the pressure. Thank you lawd no vertigo virus, I had that 3 times this year. :o( all the stress and crazy work hours has my immune system shot and left me all wide open for the germ squad. I got a Flu shot && that made me sick too.
Ahh I watched the last days of Lisa Left Eye Lopes while getting my hair done tonight. I'm still trying to digest what I watched. All I keept saying while watching her documentary was "she knew it was her time" she saw all the signs, went through the motions and prepared herself for eternal life. Beautiful and heart breaking at the same time. The girl who does my hair and her sister kept saying she's 'weird', I disagree, she was highly misunderstood, and was crying out for help and no one could hear. She did what she was sent here to do had God took his angel back. Daaaamn. Soo much. More elaboration and feelings later when I think on it somemore or watch it again.
ToodaLoo.
please go practice killing yourself & that platoon! lets hope you get it right the first time. call me what u want. I can care less what u think. I shouldn't of even told u half of what was goin on the small portion that I did tell u anyway. should of just let you call. let u make yourself mad. u better hope a check comes in the mail so u have something to talk to jordyn on. if not o well. leave me alone. really go do something with yourself, go catch an STD, inpregnante some chick have a shot gun wedding. and move on with your life. the short one I'm sure u will have. imsoodonewith you. goodbye.
Geezeee. :o( that's mild compared to some of the other verbal bidness I've given the sperm donor. I read it now, and I'm like dood really? You shouldn't have even wasted your time. Hella slacked on changing my number because I didn't want to cut all communication off between the sperm donor and Jordyn. It just didn't feel right. UNTIL I was fed up, he wasn't calling to talk to Jordyn he was calling to talk to me, either to talk shit about me being neglectful as a mother because I bust my ass work 12 plus hr shifts days AND nights and go to school. Please! C'mon now son. Or he's calling talking about he still loves me and wants his family black. NEGATIVE PRIVATE SPERM DONOR NEVER GONNA HAPPEN. I dont understand how you tell someone no, we been there done that we are oil and water we DO NOT MIX and then they wanna dig in their 'bag o feelins' and call u all kinda bitches, cunts, sluts, whores, etc?? And I'm like riiighhhhht, I'm all of that and yet your begging me? Dumb! So most of the time he doesn't even call to talk to Joey, he calls when she's in school or I'm at work. I just stopped answering his calls. VMail treatment tough. FYI I never check my vmail. The texts never stopped so. I told him to call his mom when she watches Jordyn. I changed my number and all is good in the hood with me. I got Jordyn a line and a lil cell and told him he can call that to speak with her. Has he called yet? NEGATIVE! Ooo Jordyn just thought she was bammmb.com when I gave her, her cell. 3.5 yo with a cell... shame BUT THEE SOLUTION AND LESS STRESS. Ughhh hell be home on leave in like 3 weeks. Ughhh.
Jordyn loves the hell out of that man though. Daddy's little girl. Frustrated the living bajeezus out of me that I bust my ass and she's all moody with me and he does nothing but feed her false hope and broken promises but to her, his shit dont stink. Yet! She will form her own opinion of him and he doesn't have to worry about proving anything to me he's going to have a hell of a time proving it to her! She is her mamas baby she dont take no ish! (3 months later and we are still waiting on the package he promised to send her, yet he was bragging about buying a new laptop. Ppfft) Too bad he can't fathom the fact that any success in life WILL NEVER OUT WEIGH A FAILURE AT HOME. HE SIGNED OVER ALL CUSTODY AND RIGHTS... his bad. Now he wanna bump gums about what he's entitled too. Please. SIKE YOUR MIND.
Oooo my fav line ever was "it feels good to know that my child support pays your rent." WTFeezy! Ha! Doesn't even cover my rent. And I make your CSUP for a month in a shift and a half. So please go saddown! The money he sends goes to Jordyn. Anything she needs and wants, she has it. Hair products for mixed kids aint no joke son! She's growing sooo fast out of all her clothes and shoes everytime I turn around. Yiikkess. && no we dont do velcro shoes from walmart. *shurgs* lets just say mom works hard for hers and her and her baby dont walk around lookin like just anything, blame the parental unit they spoiled me.
Moral of my random rant. Drop the dead weight and eliminate stress in your life.
Oo and I'm sick AGAIN. I been sick off and on for almost 3 months. Jordyn and I keep passing germs to one another. Its all those snot nose kids at her school and my patients too. Strep and head cold this time. Hella ghey. I feel like my head is going to explode from the pressure. Thank you lawd no vertigo virus, I had that 3 times this year. :o( all the stress and crazy work hours has my immune system shot and left me all wide open for the germ squad. I got a Flu shot && that made me sick too.
Ahh I watched the last days of Lisa Left Eye Lopes while getting my hair done tonight. I'm still trying to digest what I watched. All I keept saying while watching her documentary was "she knew it was her time" she saw all the signs, went through the motions and prepared herself for eternal life. Beautiful and heart breaking at the same time. The girl who does my hair and her sister kept saying she's 'weird', I disagree, she was highly misunderstood, and was crying out for help and no one could hear. She did what she was sent here to do had God took his angel back. Daaaamn. Soo much. More elaboration and feelings later when I think on it somemore or watch it again.
ToodaLoo.
sleepless and scatterbrained as usual.
I'm hella tired, yet I can't sleep as usual. Maybe I should be knocking out these last chapters and starting my two final papers... Idk im just not feeling it right now, i work better under pressure... lol the day before. I went to dinner with my girls bean, rae, kim, and cen for beans bday (i footed me and Beans bill .NOT CHEAP. happy bday bean 24 wooo)at LaLa Grill... sooo good. I had a fatty bbq onion ring sammich and fries and a LaLa signiture MOJITO! Yes, I know I quit drinking... for the most of most parts but it was Beans bday. The girls laughed at me because they said I was baby sitting my drink. I ate my food and waited until I was finshed with my meal and drank it, it was really watered down by then... and I was feeling warm. lol SUPER LIGHT WEIGHT. I surprising the hell out of myself because a few months ago you could mos def call me an alcoholic... well a wino cause that used to be my shit! But these days I dont even have the desire or the want to drink. I am so not the same person I used to. I can finally see the change in myself. It is a wonderful thing to see a change within yourself, that everyone else has noticed before you did. I am a work and progress and always will be, and I am okay with that. Anyway, dinner was bitter sweet because I sat at the table looking at the girls and I got sad because even though we are still friends, things just are not the same. WE USED TO HANG TOUGH (ahhh NEW KIDS ON THE BLOCK what you know bout that!). We are getting older and leading our own lives and starting our own families. Clubbing and partying are mos def a thing of the past for us all. Rae said she went out on wednesday night and left at 11:30 because the crowd was young, all the youngsters are now old enough to drink and it was her que to go. It's been my que for almost a year. I dont go out here in down town Monterey Bay because it is way too played out, and everytime I go I see the same ass wack ass aint doing shit with their lives people from high school, some older and some younger and I have to stop and think... hmmm im just as lame. Like the saying goes " how would you know I was looking at you if you were not looking at me." I hate that we have to make appointments to see one another a catch up aside from short convos and text messages, but I am blessed with some really good friends. I can always count on them. I have really been asking myself, what am I still doing here in MB? Yes, it is home, but it is also a black hole. If you don't get out you will be stuck here forever. Im staying for my daughter mostly, my parents, sisters and neices and nephews are here, her God parents and her sperm donors familys are here aswell. It takes a village to raise a child, and I'm blessed to have a big village. [SIDEBAR:who says blessed and shit in the same blog tho? lol I said I was a work in progress ;o)] I am very overprotective of my child, I dont let just anyone watch her unless its family, and SOME FAMILY IS NOT INCLUDED. Ness and Bean are the only two friends that I let babysit her, and that was because they were my last of last resorts. It's time to stretch my wings and fly. The one thing that I want most is to move, fuse the two dysfunctional families into one functional family (thats the way he says it)get my degree, start teaching, and be able to have my parents come visit me and wait on them hand and foot so they can relax because Lord knows they need a vacation. The very thought of it makes my heart smile. I will. I am. Getting my ducks in order with time.
came home feelin myself off that watered down mojito and MAYBE the meds for my migraine *shurgs* lol .iPHOTO. is what I call it when the photographer steps in front of the camera. Yikes I'm still shy about showing my work to the world. I've been told I was good. Idk, i guess i find beauty in everything ... even me sometimes... whatevs busy day tomorrow - work.spa appointment.hair appointment.&& work again.
okay now serious...i.PHOTO'S self portrait.gnight.
one step away from you will lead to another step closer to me
Its time for me to go , I get up in silence , one last lonely tear streams down my face, I take one step backwards away from you away from the pain away from the fairly tales of a life happily ever after. Paralyzed by my actions I watch my feet. Another step backwards, and another. I meet your eyes and have no words left to say. My heart is pounding out of my chest, I'm sure you can see it, I know you can hear it. My eyes lock on yours, and I take another step away. Finger tips escaping the grasp, your embrace, the trance you have held over my heart til this day. Another step. One last sigh, one last blink, one last good bye. Another step, this isn't by the force of me- but reality. I was ready to stay in the wonder wonder land we built collectively in our own minds. With each step I take I'm placing all our memories in my heart, because you will always hold a big part. Another step away from that dress, another step away from that ring, another step away from all of our dreams. Those eyes, I will miss. Another step. Those lips I will no longer kiss. Another step. Those arms will no longer keep me warm at night. Another step and my foot prints feel of led, no more falling asleep with you rubbing my head. My feet are in competition with my heart, the faster it beats the faster I feel myself walk away. Another step my eyes still fixated on your past the pretty brown to your core.. Another step away from you leads to another step closer to me. Even though your face is beginning to fade, your presence still lingers and it haunts me. With space and time every step I take away, is another step away from yesterday will comfort me today. An every time I close my eyes I can still see your face. Another step, and I do the unspeakable and suprise me; I turn my back. I turning my back to you. I'm turning my back on all that I ever knew. A single step that transcended into a steady jog. I went from walking to running from you and back to me. Back at square one where the begining of the end shall take place, eventually it shall set me free. Only time will tell and will heal all wounds. I know I will tire myself soon- from running and when I do; finally stop... and take a breath, a distant memory of you and me, a distant memory of that ring, that dress that life happily ever after... a distant memory will be all that is left.
Hello self, oh how I've missed you, you and I -beautiful; we have some catching up to do.
Hello self, oh how I've missed you, you and I -beautiful; we have some catching up to do.
.....
Speak to my heart
Words need not apply
Look deep into my soul with your eyes
Penatrate the layers and break down the walls
Around this heart of mine
Speak to my heart
And accept all my perfect imperfections
Hold me close
For moments in time
Speak to my heart in our special embrace
Aahhh to be continued. Writers block.
Words need not apply
Look deep into my soul with your eyes
Penatrate the layers and break down the walls
Around this heart of mine
Speak to my heart
And accept all my perfect imperfections
Hold me close
For moments in time
Speak to my heart in our special embrace
Aahhh to be continued. Writers block.
check your reflection
And again I have come to a point in my life where I must stress[if you cannot be honest with yourself than who can you be honest with?]
First and foremost, God, yourself, then everyone else. Any given relationship between two individuals regardless of the situations,circumstances, or labels cannot function with out communication.
Lack of communication equals an unstable foundation. One can foolishly build hopes and dreams on a faulty foundation and have the audacity to be surprised when the shit plumates from cloud nine to reality.
If you and I cannot express our feelings, joys, pains, frustrations and struggles freely with one another- then what the hell are we doing here? Wasting time. Life is too short, I dont have time to waste.
Newsflash I am not a mind reader. I can't go around assuming I know what someone else thinks and feels. That's a recipe for disaster and downfall. If you dont speak, how will I know. If you dont teach, how will I learn? Flipping the script does nothing but push me away and bring down the walls I put up once I feel like my heart is at jeapordy.
Being honest with me, means being honest with yourself. Maybe your not ready to handle the truth, and maybe I'm fed up with the excuses.
Silence, it speaks volumes. I can't understand how a person can let someone make up their mind about you when you claim its against the grain. Yes, the world, I'm not the world. The world doesn't know you like I do, the world doesn't know you how I want to get to know you and learn you.
*le sigh* I shall continue to moon walk through the abyss with the voices in my head on 'shuffle.'
First and foremost, God, yourself, then everyone else. Any given relationship between two individuals regardless of the situations,circumstances, or labels cannot function with out communication.
Lack of communication equals an unstable foundation. One can foolishly build hopes and dreams on a faulty foundation and have the audacity to be surprised when the shit plumates from cloud nine to reality.
If you and I cannot express our feelings, joys, pains, frustrations and struggles freely with one another- then what the hell are we doing here? Wasting time. Life is too short, I dont have time to waste.
Newsflash I am not a mind reader. I can't go around assuming I know what someone else thinks and feels. That's a recipe for disaster and downfall. If you dont speak, how will I know. If you dont teach, how will I learn? Flipping the script does nothing but push me away and bring down the walls I put up once I feel like my heart is at jeapordy.
Being honest with me, means being honest with yourself. Maybe your not ready to handle the truth, and maybe I'm fed up with the excuses.
Silence, it speaks volumes. I can't understand how a person can let someone make up their mind about you when you claim its against the grain. Yes, the world, I'm not the world. The world doesn't know you like I do, the world doesn't know you how I want to get to know you and learn you.
*le sigh* I shall continue to moon walk through the abyss with the voices in my head on 'shuffle.'
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