hmmm continued [scatterbrained]

I will no longer give up pieces of myself to be apart of someone else, I can't let go of the very things that set me apart from everyone else.

Easier said than done, as many things in life that matter. I'm not sure where I am in my head today. I'm just going to blame my emotional state on hormones for the time being.

"Be a good girl
You've gotta try a little harder
That simply wasn't good enough
To make us proud
I'll live for you
I'll make you what I never was
If you're the best, then maybe so am I
Compared to him compared to her
I'm doing this for your own damn good
You'll make up for what I blew
What's the problem ...... why are you crying
Be a good girl
Push a little farther now
That wasn't fast enough
To make us happy
We'll love you just the way you are if you're perfect "

I remember having the same feeling of not being good enough from my childhood. Mainly from my parents. They both came from nothing and made a bubble for my sisters and I, of the finer things. Even though they both served in the United States Army they were strict and played by the book with a twist. Keep your grades up, your room clean, stay out of trouble and you can have whatever you want. Good incentive right? One slip up and everything is stripped, and then the tough love came into play. Man, I stayed grounded, my Sega and Nintendo 64 were always on lock. Lol. Rebel I guess. I just remember always trying my hardest doing well and never getting acknowledgment for it. Dont dare speak on it because their response is "that's what you're supposed to be doing." I remember him telling me once "daughter, credit is given when credit is due." If there is anyone on this earth that can make me feel like dirt, it would have to be my parents. Of course they just want me to have a better life for myself and my daughter than they provided for me and my sisters; but truth be told- those are some pretty big shoes to fill and I'm failing miserably. I just want [them] mainly my Father, to accept me and all my failures. I can't compare to the many ribbons and medals, awards and certificates that he holds, nor be a fraction of the Super Woman that my mother is, but I do try.

The very day I deserved my credit because it was long over due, he wasn't in attendance. Shit cut deep. It wasn't till 6 years later a few months ago that he apologized and credit was given. And for that I am on the road to forgiving. Though he was the first man to ever break my heart, he's still my Daddy, I've only got one. As any little girl does, I placed him high on a throne, and forgot he was human as well. We as humans are allowed to make mistakes, and are allowed to live, learn and grow. I'm not sure why I let myself get lost in another person, maybe to be pleasing in their eyes or to simply not be a disappointment to them? It's a shame knowing that I am not entitled to answer to anyone but God, but yet I have in the past.

I let someone I care for confide in me and in turn I got offended, clearly understanding that it had nothing to do with me. I got offended because things were done ill heartedly to me in the past that I just can't seem to shake. Its not fair to let someone take the the blame for the damage another person before has left behind. I am aware its my own insecurities that haunt me and alter my thought process and distort who I am through my eyes. Yet, again another lesson learned. Learn, grow and move one. I can't be my own worse enemy any longer, I can't let me stope me from being happy with me, or those in my life. There is no day better than the present.

Thank you sir for providing me with another wall.


I wish I could change my daughters DNA alot of the time. Her father is working my last nerve and I wish he would just jump off a bridge and kill himself! Seriously he will put himself out his own misery. No we are not together, which means you cannot dictate what I do with my life, I dont have to answer to you, and you do not control me. The irate telephone calls and text messages are getting extremely OLD. Little does he know that I am not thee one to fuck with, you would have thought he'd would have picked up on that after 4 years, but then again he's dumb and immature. I keeps my eggs in my basket, and I don't let the right hand know what the left hand is doing....EVER! Call it sneaky, I call it smart. I save EVERYTHING. I REMEMBER EVERYTHING. Trust me when I say this I am not thee one. As much as I would like to accommodate the relationship between Jordyn and her father, I can no longer put myself through all the bullshit. I am her mother and her father! PERIOD.

*middle finger*


Okay, I know I am not the only person on earth who has found that they lost their self in a relationship. When we go from "I" to "Us" we have to learn to compromise. I have learned the hard way yet again. I don't understand how I can let go of the very things that set me apart from everyone else. This will be thee last time, I'm sick pf giving up peices of myself to be part of someone else. be continued.

sick, love sick, sick && tired of being sick && tired.

At work feeling like shhhat. =o( My throats all scratchy, and burning, slight chest congestion, no major lougies yet, my heads pounding out of control and, my ears are popping, my eyes are stingin. antibiotic & ellegra, please kick in soon.

In the midst of feelin and lookin like crap, inner tourmoil is in high over time.

If someone asks "can I ask you a honest question and receive an honest answer?" and they say yes... but yet they answer the question "I'm not looking to be honest." What the hell is that supposed to mean? Its not soo much that they didn't answer the question, it was the comment made. If you cannot be honest with people in your life that care for you, who can you be honest with?

Yes, for starters you can be honest with God, and yourself, and then everyone else should fall there after right? I dont even want to ask or dig more into the question that was clearly unanswered it is no longer relivent, the underlining issue is they cannot be honest with themselves, therefore they cannot be honest with me. And knowing that, what do I do? Accept the "loop dee loop around the marygold bush" and take the watered down shot of the truth about what's really going on?

Torn. Must be that time again... maken cuts.

someone bring me some HALLS please and thank you.