Life! I had thee most in depth conversation today, I have decided to let go of the past, enjoy the present and embrace the future. I have been saying that for the longest and have yet to practice what I preach. God, is good. He takes one of his angels back and brings another blessing into our lives. Pay attention when he speaks people! Pay attention, HE is trying to tell you something, you have to listen, a lot of times it is not catastrophic but more of a whisper, chirp of a bird, or blow of the wind. All I can say is pay attention.
"it aint real if you can't feel it" simple statement, HUGE impact. left me on HUSH STATUS for literally 5 minutes. all I could do was lift an eyebrow endure realities slap in the face and muster out a shocked "hmmmmm."
flash back!! *insert 5 heart beats for mood setting.*
"a heart is a house for love and I've learned that it dont take much to break a heaaarrtt... you've got to BUILD IT UP ... builllllld it upppp!"
lyrical therapy
this song makes the glass o so crystal clear.. this is what it is word for word... so how do i fix it? What do i say, what do i do. let you fly...?
"Sacrifice"
Who's the one that made you happy
Who's the one that always makes you laugh
Who's the reason you're smiling
And dragged you through these times so rough
I was the one that made you happy
I was the one that eased the pain
But I'm the reason that you're crying now
My own tears scattered by the rain
You can sacrifice me
You can sacrifice me
You set me free
You can be who you wanna be
Deeper than deep you took me on a trip baby
You shared your wildest dreams and more
You dare me to express my feelings to you
I never felt that need before
But suddenly you needed freedom
You felt the need to break free
You started drowning in your sorrow
You didn't wanna know I had the key
You can sacrifice me
You can sacrifice me
You set me free
You can be who you wanna be
You can sacrifice me, sacrifice me
You can be who you wanna
You can be who you wanna be
anouk... my latest lyrical obession she's right up there with me'shell ndgeocello. raw. deep. unct. passionate. real.
"Sacrifice"
Who's the one that made you happy
Who's the one that always makes you laugh
Who's the reason you're smiling
And dragged you through these times so rough
I was the one that made you happy
I was the one that eased the pain
But I'm the reason that you're crying now
My own tears scattered by the rain
You can sacrifice me
You can sacrifice me
You set me free
You can be who you wanna be
Deeper than deep you took me on a trip baby
You shared your wildest dreams and more
You dare me to express my feelings to you
I never felt that need before
But suddenly you needed freedom
You felt the need to break free
You started drowning in your sorrow
You didn't wanna know I had the key
You can sacrifice me
You can sacrifice me
You set me free
You can be who you wanna be
You can sacrifice me, sacrifice me
You can be who you wanna
You can be who you wanna be
anouk... my latest lyrical obession she's right up there with me'shell ndgeocello. raw. deep. unct. passionate. real.
unwanted house guest
I WROTE IN AN EMAIL DRAFT ON MY CELL AND SENT... thus the eff'd up format. o well.
My dad calls me and tells me that "weirdo" is in town and she wants to
see Jordyn... and I'm totally not up for company, but I do miss my Dad
too... he soothes me. So I'm all "sure okay" totally un-enthused.
-background of "weirdo" and my fathers existence, pay attention because
its kind of confusing. My dad was a Medic in the Army where he met his life
long bff my Uncle Pete he was my dads personal machine gun man... saved
his ass many of times while putting his on the line. They been tight
ever since, I suppose going through the Vietnam war and being amongst
the few in their platoon to come out alive with only minor cuts and
bruises. BUT were both left with an extremely fucked up mentality that war leaves behind, t he same fucked up mentality that they share, the same fucked up
mentality that has them suffering from PTSD ... is the same fucked up
mentality that has kept them so close all these years. "Blood Brothers"
to its highest existence. Its eerie how back in the day they looked soo
much alike, I saw the resemblance in pictures from Vietnam. My dad was
pepper && Uncle Pete ...salt. Dad with a cigarette hanging off his lip
&& Uncle Pete the same. Mustache same.. standard grade A military
haircut, same "pointy" nose, same hieght, dammit they are twins...one black one white. Any way "weirdo" was married to Uncle Pete for a few years, and they were the 3 peas in a pod. "Weirdo and my Dad remained friends after the divorce to my Uncle.
My mom never really liked her, and she's like a freaking hippie nomad
vegiterian and she always randomly pops up every other year when she's
driven her frigging dust bucket across the country. *VITAL INFO* My Aunt
Chrissy just passed away on the 23rd of this month from cancer. She and
my Uncle Pete just got married last month, but they were together for
over 20 years and were fine with just "being together" I've always known
the two as my aunt and my uncle and it didn't matter they were white. It
never mattered because they loved us. They loved me, I was their
favorite, the child they never had.
so anyway my Dad comes to my house with "weirdo" and I give her that
fake hello and half hearted hug and we sat in my living room and had
meaningless chit-chat and thank goodness for Jordyn she loves to be the
center of attention so she came to life and entertained us. I dont know
why I dont like her and it could very well be becase I'm just moody as hell
lately, damn womanly cycle, stress, lack of sleep... hell all I know is
renegade was ready be unleashed. My dad went to the bathroom and she
says in conversation
"your mother doesn't want me to stay at the house anymore, so when I
come into town your dad puts me up at the hotel up the street"
and inside renegade is screaming "bitch cause one my mom is a very
private person we never had friends spend the night two you smell funny
and three you show up with out asking shit I wouldn't like you either!"
my dads super nice he's always tryin to help, and granted she has been
there with my dad through a lot, after the war his first marriage and my
half sisters, this woman has known my father before my mother and knows
my own father better than me. so him payin for a room for her when she
passes through doesn't strike me as suspect, he's respecting my moms
wishes and also staying true to his friend.
She decides to sneak into conversation My Aunt Chrissy which is an
extremely sore subject for me...
"you know Chrissy never liked me, I think because your Uncle Pete used
to talk about me a lot, ya kno...?"
I said "o really." renegade was boiling over like I wanted to say "bitch
how fucking dare you come in here speaking on my recently deceased aunt
bitchhh I will slap that fucking smirk off your face sooo fast!"
I counted backwards and sat on my hands cause they were shaken as they
do when I get pisst and I try to control my anger... most of the time I
burst into tears trying to contain the anger... because it really isn't
anger I'm feeling its masked over hurt and sadness.
Jordyn continued to entertain her, read her books, I chatted with my dad
and "weirdo" felt the need to put who two raggedy cents in from time to
time. I just half smiled in pseudo agreement. I am very respectful of my
Dad and I hate being a disappointment to him, so I kept my cool. Played
nice, for him. So my dad went outside to call my Mom to see if she
wanted to come over too and visit with "weirdo" too. I already knew she
was gonna say no, I think he did as well because he went outside to talk
to her.
then she says when my dad is out of ear shot once again with her fucking bull shit.
"what kind of cancer did Chrissy have? Your dad didn't tell me, at
least I dont remember If he did. When I speak to your dad I always ask
about Pete and how he's doing... "
I just looked at her and my face must of said it all...cause she stfu
real quick. I took a deep breath and I was like "ummm that's a sore
subject for me... liver cancer..."
"oh I was sure shed (Chrissy) pass before my mother, she had pancreatic cancer,
but she held on for a while."
and at this point my eyes are stinging and there's a lump in my throat.
renegade wanted to say "BITCH WHO THE FUCK DO U THINK YOU ARE COMIN IN
MY HOUSE AND TRYIN TO TALK SHIT ON THE LOW ABOUT MY FUCKIN AUNT. BITCH I
DONT KNOW YOU, I WILL KICK YOUR FUCKIN ASS" I wanted to grab her head
and bang that shit into the arm rest of my couch. I wanted to snap her
fucking raggedy ass neck! I just wanted her to gtfo my house and stop
talkin to me! Stop talking her shit, stop acting like you give a fuck.
Just fucking stop.
I say..." San Francisco will never be the same."
she said "yes, you visited them a lot didn't you?"
I said "yes I did, all the time" renegade wanted to say "why do you
care, they weren't visits that was my second home, every summer for a
few weeks, my whole freshman yr in college @ csuh they were a BART ride
away, whenever I wanted, whatever I wanted! They loved me, I was their
"Dee" Bitch just respect her, she gone and she's not coming back!"
My dad comes back inside and says, "mom says she's tired, and is in her
pajams already, so I guess that's my que to go home..."
we said our goodbyes, I gave my dad Stop - Loss to watch. Warned him it
was graphic but a good movie none the less. he gave me money and jordyn
candy... they left...
and I'm here pissstt, feeling disrespected, hurt, angry, sad,
frustrated! aahhhhhhhh.
bet that bitch is goin to try and weasel her way back into my Uncles
Life. I'm not havin that shit. I am going to speak with my Dad about
this when I cool off. I know he knew something was up, we are so much
alike. If he doesn't call me on it tonight, he will the next time he
sees me. I know him, I just dont know what I'm going to say aside from
"I dont like "weirdo" there's something about her that I dont like..."
Aunt Chrissy has been cremated. There will be a service next month at
their house in San Francisco. I'm going to go. Its gonna be hard to be
there and not see her face... her beautiful face... her head full of
long curly thick onyx hair, her hugs, her "organic" smell mixed with
wine and perfume. Its gonna break my heart to see my Uncle without his
"soulmate" Because thats all I've known was them as "one." I can't run, I
can't hide, I have to say goodbye. I wanted to ask for some of her, but
... I just can't.
My dad calls me and tells me that "weirdo" is in town and she wants to
see Jordyn... and I'm totally not up for company, but I do miss my Dad
too... he soothes me. So I'm all "sure okay" totally un-enthused.
-background of "weirdo" and my fathers existence, pay attention because
its kind of confusing. My dad was a Medic in the Army where he met his life
long bff my Uncle Pete he was my dads personal machine gun man... saved
his ass many of times while putting his on the line. They been tight
ever since, I suppose going through the Vietnam war and being amongst
the few in their platoon to come out alive with only minor cuts and
bruises. BUT were both left with an extremely fucked up mentality that war leaves behind, t he same fucked up mentality that they share, the same fucked up
mentality that has them suffering from PTSD ... is the same fucked up
mentality that has kept them so close all these years. "Blood Brothers"
to its highest existence. Its eerie how back in the day they looked soo
much alike, I saw the resemblance in pictures from Vietnam. My dad was
pepper && Uncle Pete ...salt. Dad with a cigarette hanging off his lip
&& Uncle Pete the same. Mustache same.. standard grade A military
haircut, same "pointy" nose, same hieght, dammit they are twins...one black one white. Any way "weirdo" was married to Uncle Pete for a few years, and they were the 3 peas in a pod. "Weirdo and my Dad remained friends after the divorce to my Uncle.
My mom never really liked her, and she's like a freaking hippie nomad
vegiterian and she always randomly pops up every other year when she's
driven her frigging dust bucket across the country. *VITAL INFO* My Aunt
Chrissy just passed away on the 23rd of this month from cancer. She and
my Uncle Pete just got married last month, but they were together for
over 20 years and were fine with just "being together" I've always known
the two as my aunt and my uncle and it didn't matter they were white. It
never mattered because they loved us. They loved me, I was their
favorite, the child they never had.
so anyway my Dad comes to my house with "weirdo" and I give her that
fake hello and half hearted hug and we sat in my living room and had
meaningless chit-chat and thank goodness for Jordyn she loves to be the
center of attention so she came to life and entertained us. I dont know
why I dont like her and it could very well be becase I'm just moody as hell
lately, damn womanly cycle, stress, lack of sleep... hell all I know is
renegade was ready be unleashed. My dad went to the bathroom and she
says in conversation
"your mother doesn't want me to stay at the house anymore, so when I
come into town your dad puts me up at the hotel up the street"
and inside renegade is screaming "bitch cause one my mom is a very
private person we never had friends spend the night two you smell funny
and three you show up with out asking shit I wouldn't like you either!"
my dads super nice he's always tryin to help, and granted she has been
there with my dad through a lot, after the war his first marriage and my
half sisters, this woman has known my father before my mother and knows
my own father better than me. so him payin for a room for her when she
passes through doesn't strike me as suspect, he's respecting my moms
wishes and also staying true to his friend.
She decides to sneak into conversation My Aunt Chrissy which is an
extremely sore subject for me...
"you know Chrissy never liked me, I think because your Uncle Pete used
to talk about me a lot, ya kno...?"
I said "o really." renegade was boiling over like I wanted to say "bitch
how fucking dare you come in here speaking on my recently deceased aunt
bitchhh I will slap that fucking smirk off your face sooo fast!"
I counted backwards and sat on my hands cause they were shaken as they
do when I get pisst and I try to control my anger... most of the time I
burst into tears trying to contain the anger... because it really isn't
anger I'm feeling its masked over hurt and sadness.
Jordyn continued to entertain her, read her books, I chatted with my dad
and "weirdo" felt the need to put who two raggedy cents in from time to
time. I just half smiled in pseudo agreement. I am very respectful of my
Dad and I hate being a disappointment to him, so I kept my cool. Played
nice, for him. So my dad went outside to call my Mom to see if she
wanted to come over too and visit with "weirdo" too. I already knew she
was gonna say no, I think he did as well because he went outside to talk
to her.
then she says when my dad is out of ear shot once again with her fucking bull shit.
"what kind of cancer did Chrissy have? Your dad didn't tell me, at
least I dont remember If he did. When I speak to your dad I always ask
about Pete and how he's doing... "
I just looked at her and my face must of said it all...cause she stfu
real quick. I took a deep breath and I was like "ummm that's a sore
subject for me... liver cancer..."
"oh I was sure shed (Chrissy) pass before my mother, she had pancreatic cancer,
but she held on for a while."
and at this point my eyes are stinging and there's a lump in my throat.
renegade wanted to say "BITCH WHO THE FUCK DO U THINK YOU ARE COMIN IN
MY HOUSE AND TRYIN TO TALK SHIT ON THE LOW ABOUT MY FUCKIN AUNT. BITCH I
DONT KNOW YOU, I WILL KICK YOUR FUCKIN ASS" I wanted to grab her head
and bang that shit into the arm rest of my couch. I wanted to snap her
fucking raggedy ass neck! I just wanted her to gtfo my house and stop
talkin to me! Stop talking her shit, stop acting like you give a fuck.
Just fucking stop.
I say..." San Francisco will never be the same."
she said "yes, you visited them a lot didn't you?"
I said "yes I did, all the time" renegade wanted to say "why do you
care, they weren't visits that was my second home, every summer for a
few weeks, my whole freshman yr in college @ csuh they were a BART ride
away, whenever I wanted, whatever I wanted! They loved me, I was their
"Dee" Bitch just respect her, she gone and she's not coming back!"
My dad comes back inside and says, "mom says she's tired, and is in her
pajams already, so I guess that's my que to go home..."
we said our goodbyes, I gave my dad Stop - Loss to watch. Warned him it
was graphic but a good movie none the less. he gave me money and jordyn
candy... they left...
and I'm here pissstt, feeling disrespected, hurt, angry, sad,
frustrated! aahhhhhhhh.
bet that bitch is goin to try and weasel her way back into my Uncles
Life. I'm not havin that shit. I am going to speak with my Dad about
this when I cool off. I know he knew something was up, we are so much
alike. If he doesn't call me on it tonight, he will the next time he
sees me. I know him, I just dont know what I'm going to say aside from
"I dont like "weirdo" there's something about her that I dont like..."
Aunt Chrissy has been cremated. There will be a service next month at
their house in San Francisco. I'm going to go. Its gonna be hard to be
there and not see her face... her beautiful face... her head full of
long curly thick onyx hair, her hugs, her "organic" smell mixed with
wine and perfume. Its gonna break my heart to see my Uncle without his
"soulmate" Because thats all I've known was them as "one." I can't run, I
can't hide, I have to say goodbye. I wanted to ask for some of her, but
... I just can't.
ever seen something so beautiful it made you cry?
awww my heart, their bodies, the lyrics, the connection, the believability..aahhh i cried.
"Lost"
If roses are meant to be red
And violets to be blue
Why isn't my heart meant for you
My hands longing to touch you
But I can barely breathe
Starry eyes that make me melt
Right in front of me
Lost in this world
I even get lost in this song
And when the lights go down
That is where I'll be found
This music's irresistible
Your voice makes my skin crawl
Innocent and pure
I guess you heard it all before
Mister Inaccessible
Will this ever change
One thing that remains the same
You're still a picture in a frame
Lost in this world
I even get lost in this song
And when the lights go down
That is where I'll be found
I get lost in this world
I get lost in your eyes
And when the lights go down
That's where I'll be found
Yeah yeah
I get lost in this world
I get lost in your eyes
And when the lights go down
Am I the only one
Ooh
"Lost"
If roses are meant to be red
And violets to be blue
Why isn't my heart meant for you
My hands longing to touch you
But I can barely breathe
Starry eyes that make me melt
Right in front of me
Lost in this world
I even get lost in this song
And when the lights go down
That is where I'll be found
This music's irresistible
Your voice makes my skin crawl
Innocent and pure
I guess you heard it all before
Mister Inaccessible
Will this ever change
One thing that remains the same
You're still a picture in a frame
Lost in this world
I even get lost in this song
And when the lights go down
That is where I'll be found
I get lost in this world
I get lost in your eyes
And when the lights go down
That's where I'll be found
Yeah yeah
I get lost in this world
I get lost in your eyes
And when the lights go down
Am I the only one
Ooh
man
i work harder than a motherfucker.... CAUSE IM THAT DAMN MOTHERFUCKER!.
when it all falls down... more to come when i get it together upstairs.
when it all falls down... more to come when i get it together upstairs.
its hard out here for a PIMP
... LOL. MM MM MM MM MMMMMMM the eyes, drown me please. Terrence Howard. I heard about him doing an album a while back, but my trusty, dusty, buddy ZAE.boOgie, laced me! I was floor'd. His tone, the rasp, the soul, the emotion, the words, everything. here listen. Ohhhhh the Lyrical.Therapy, its a good high. Take it in.
*Le sigh*
Que & Dawn make me sick! Oh soo love sick. aaaah lol. Watching last nights episode of Making the Band && a re-run today killed me. I'm soo JELLY. We used to watch it together all the time, he used to say I looked like her ( along with a few other blind people in the world lol), maybe a slight resemblance... but I think he did it cause he knows it makes me all mad.
Haha maybe he just like to see "the wrinkle over her nose when she makes her angry face..." *squinches nose*
God Bless what they have, it is beautiful, may the world not taint what they have. I'm Jelly.
I WANT [MY] QUE BACK. I MISS HIM.
[side note: keep your Dawn comments to yourself! Hmmppph.]
&& another one
RIP Auntie Chrissy 9-23-08 2:23pm at home.... It's been a battle and you fought it well, 6 weeks my ass you were here for months. My poor Uncle Pete. I'm scared he is next to go, hard headed just like my Daddy. Remember You and Uncle Pete said Ruby can come stay with me if worse comes to worse, I love her, jojo would have a ball with her, but it would be bitter sweet because Uncle Pete will be gone as well. AAhhh I'm so mad with myself for not coming to see you even though you told Dad that you didnt want anyone to see you the way you were, but I just wanted to hug you and kiss you one last time and tell you that I loved you. My heart hurts. I will miss your laugh, I will miss the wine we shared (even though a lot of the times I wasn't of age.) I will miss the scooter, and the lunch dates, and the movies. Remember when we went to see Armeggedeon and I cried the entire movie and the ride home. Trips to San Francisco will NEVER be the same, I can't just drop by and say hello. That makes me sad. I know you are in a better place now, resting peacefully. Please watch over Jordyn and I... we shall meet again.
How much love and life needs to be taken away from me? No one ever stays. I miss you all deeply.
How much love and life needs to be taken away from me? No one ever stays. I miss you all deeply.
god is good
yes, it hurts... soo bad.. yet I have this unexplainable joy in my heart right now. I can't expalin it, I dont understand it, I'm just embracing it.
broken heart with a smile on my face. I must be sick... maybe it was broken dreams, or better yet just disappointment. all I know is I was shaken like hell, chest felt like caving in... managed to not have an anxiety attack. && after it was all said and done... I looked at her, and my heart smiled, the tears fell but I was smiling.
I prayed, thanked HIM. "I dont know what your trying to teach me, but I'm open lead me and guide me... thank you for what I have and will receive. thank u thank u thank u."
the joy must come from me seeing the changes I'm maken in life. it feels soo good to notice you have grown, yet the growing pains felt like death at the time.
lessoned learned.
WATCH OUT FOR BRICK WALLS! it hurts like hell to run into one while your too busy lookin over your shoulder.
ill nurse my injury... mend what's left and keep it for me. I now KNOW my worth.. I'm worth a lot. Shame I let myself get lost again... but I always come back harder and stronger. Lifes a game. I'm the OWNER of my team... I continue to cut the disposable players. No traden or replacen, as long as I have my 5 starters we can still play ball.
=) ooyyiiieee buddy. I'm ready time for the emotional rollercoaster... "lovin you was nothing healthy, loving you was never good for me..." Gotta love Jedidah before I can love someone else.
broken heart with a smile on my face. I must be sick... maybe it was broken dreams, or better yet just disappointment. all I know is I was shaken like hell, chest felt like caving in... managed to not have an anxiety attack. && after it was all said and done... I looked at her, and my heart smiled, the tears fell but I was smiling.
I prayed, thanked HIM. "I dont know what your trying to teach me, but I'm open lead me and guide me... thank you for what I have and will receive. thank u thank u thank u."
the joy must come from me seeing the changes I'm maken in life. it feels soo good to notice you have grown, yet the growing pains felt like death at the time.
lessoned learned.
WATCH OUT FOR BRICK WALLS! it hurts like hell to run into one while your too busy lookin over your shoulder.
ill nurse my injury... mend what's left and keep it for me. I now KNOW my worth.. I'm worth a lot. Shame I let myself get lost again... but I always come back harder and stronger. Lifes a game. I'm the OWNER of my team... I continue to cut the disposable players. No traden or replacen, as long as I have my 5 starters we can still play ball.
=) ooyyiiieee buddy. I'm ready time for the emotional rollercoaster... "lovin you was nothing healthy, loving you was never good for me..." Gotta love Jedidah before I can love someone else.
*Le sigh*
a broken heart still hurts no matter how old you are...
lyrical therapy.
I remember when you filled my heart with joy
was I blind to the truth, just there to fill the space?
cause now, you have no interest in anything that I have to say
and I've allowed you to make me feel
(I feel so dumb)
what kind of fool am I?
you so easily set me aside
you made a fool of me
tell me why
you say that you don't care, but
we made love, tell me why
you made a fool of me
you made a fool of me
I want to kiss you
does she want you with the pain that I do?
I can smell you in my dreams
and now that we're face to face, you won't look me in the eye
no time, no friendship, no love
you say don't touch you
I can't touch you no more
can't touch you anymore, anymore
you made a fool of me
tell me why, tell me why
you say that you don't care, but
we made love, tell me why
you made a fool of me
tell me why
you made a fool of me
tell me why
lyrical therapy.
I remember when you filled my heart with joy
was I blind to the truth, just there to fill the space?
cause now, you have no interest in anything that I have to say
and I've allowed you to make me feel
(I feel so dumb)
what kind of fool am I?
you so easily set me aside
you made a fool of me
tell me why
you say that you don't care, but
we made love, tell me why
you made a fool of me
you made a fool of me
I want to kiss you
does she want you with the pain that I do?
I can smell you in my dreams
and now that we're face to face, you won't look me in the eye
no time, no friendship, no love
you say don't touch you
I can't touch you no more
can't touch you anymore, anymore
you made a fool of me
tell me why, tell me why
you say that you don't care, but
we made love, tell me why
you made a fool of me
tell me why
you made a fool of me
tell me why
feeling like shit
everything I touch I taint...I spoke too much, too fast, from my past, my present, and sought out to kill subconciously. It's a never ending cycle for me, I realize that. I feel like shit. I shot down his last glimpse of hope and faith he had to hold on, and I was supposed to be his backbone and help him be strong and I killed it and realized way too late, after the words traveled from me to him, I couldn't take them back. THEN I RAN INTO THE BRICK WALL my damnself. Got my own dose of reality, learned soo much in soo little time now I'm left trying to deal. pphhucckk me. dude. I'm sorry. I am sooo sorry.
candid conversations with a three yr old part 2
[actually happened before part one. oh well.]
Jordyn. B: "mommy are you a happy mommy today?"
Mommy: *stops watching tv and pays attention to her and the question just asked* "huh?"
Jordyn. B: "i want you to be a happy mommy and not a mean, or angry or sad mommy okay?"
Mommy: *stunned* "you make mommy happy" *slowly dies inside*
&& at that moment I knew I wasn't doing as good of an "acting" job, as I thought. I was wearing my heart on my sleeve for all to see, and of all people my three year old picked up on it. Can't put nothing past her, she is her mothers daughter, soo much like myself its crazy to digest sometimes. I made that. Without me she would never be. I am soo thankful for her.
It's amazing how smart she is, or a child can be period. So innocent, and pure, until they are tainted by the world.
Jordyn. B: "mommy are you a happy mommy today?"
Mommy: *stops watching tv and pays attention to her and the question just asked* "huh?"
Jordyn. B: "i want you to be a happy mommy and not a mean, or angry or sad mommy okay?"
Mommy: *stunned* "you make mommy happy" *slowly dies inside*
&& at that moment I knew I wasn't doing as good of an "acting" job, as I thought. I was wearing my heart on my sleeve for all to see, and of all people my three year old picked up on it. Can't put nothing past her, she is her mothers daughter, soo much like myself its crazy to digest sometimes. I made that. Without me she would never be. I am soo thankful for her.
It's amazing how smart she is, or a child can be period. So innocent, and pure, until they are tainted by the world.
candid conversations with a three yr old pt 1
Jordyn. B: "mommy what is fertile?"
Mommy: "fertile?"
Jordyn. B: "yes, fertile! what is thats (yes with an "s")
Mommy: *confused look* "umm fertile is a state.. well its a time where something is ready or at its peak to bring new life."
Jordyn. B: "oh thats fertile. *sighs* okay *smacks lips like she really understood me*
Mommy: " okay, the earth is fertile or can be made fertile so trees and plants can grow."
Jordyn. B: *serious look* "mommy are you fertile?"
Mommy: *surprised* " Am I fertile?.. ugh I better be, I'm only 24, but mommy doesnt want anymore flowers right now you are the only flower I need."
Jordyn. B: *smiles BIG* "cause im mommys baby!" *confused look* mommy am I fertile?"
Mommy: *shocked* "you better not be UNTIL YOUR THIRTY!"
Jordyn. B: *eyes big* "but mommy, I can have a baby in my tummy too and I will be a mommy too like I am for my baby dolls..."
Mommy: *interupts* "no babies until your THIRTY, thats 27 years from now!"
Jordyn. B: *puts up all ten fingers* "this many years?"
Mommy: "tripple that!"
Jordyn. B: "mommy you're soo funny, I love you." BUT I do have a baby in my tummy, his name is baby DOO- DOO (baby doo doo is what her uncle tells her when she has to go number two... jordyn gotta go drop baby doo-doo off at the pool.)
Mommy: *crackin up laughin, because shes killin me with her smart remarks, and quick questions and answers... I taught her well* "I love you shomorrah." *gives kisses and a tickle party*
ends conversation.
wow
I just finished having thee most intense conversation with my friend Zae. It was ridic how much I learned about myself and my present state through him. I was giving him advice that I need to use myself, and I am goin to try my hardest because we all know taking your own advice is easier said than done. Poor Zae I feel for him because I have been in his shoes before and also in his ex's shoes. long story short, he eff'd up subconsciously, didn't show her love and affection and in turn made her insecure about herself, she got fed up and left. And now hes realizing it and draggin his balls across the concrete trying everything to get her back. And im helping him. Totally selling out. I need my coochie coupon revoked cause I gave up all the womanly secrets and hes playings his cards right with my guidance and the tables are slowly turning in his favor. BUT I SWEAR HES GOOD FOR IT ... he is going to make the change for her because hes worth it, and hes going to be consistent without being aggressive and give til his heart wont allow him to give anymore. I told him if after I give him the game plan and secrets and he still messes up im coming to FL and breaking his knee caps off! He said I was crazy. Lol. I said I just have been where you are (still floating there) and i have also been where she was so I been on both sides of the fence. Boy o boy karma is a bitch and she is biten my ass hard. Another lessons learned. I totally interrupted the convo out of nowhere and was like "you know what cuts deep?" he asked "what?" I said "when everyone else in the world can see the goodness in you except the one person in the world that you feel it actually matters to, and it hurts to feel like you are not good enough or worth enough for them to give you that second glance better yet another chance." He said, "so true." I truly have some good people in my life and I thank God for them as much as I can, because they teach me when I'm just trying to help. Thank you, Zae ... together we will get her back, and if its meant to be it will be... if its not then you will be that better of a man for the next woman your with, better yet the woman that was designed for you by God, for your rib.
lawwd here I go again, I need to say that to myself in the mirror a few times. Matters of the heart never come easy. If there is anyting worth having in life, its worth the fight.
twelve nines
... my heart has beat approximately 42165120 since the day I ripped it out of my chest and gave it to you.
where do we go from here? continue the counting and the beats for thirteen or quit now, while we are a head or better yet lets hold our breath at the same time and purposly stop our hearts, in the sake of stopping time, stopping life as it is, and just be...
ASHTON KUTCHER!
okay! you can come out now.. go ahead. say it! " You have just been punk'd!"
seriously my entire life has to be a bad episode of punk'd this is soo surreal.
I'll have to fill in the blanks when I can see them clearly myself.
ooOh buddy, today was a bad day. tommorow, I pray tomorrow is better.
Jedidah,
I watched you today. I saw, I witnessed, I felt. I watched everything. You slept ALOT, waking up almost every hour on the hour. Movng from the bed, to the cold living room floor, to the couch. You were so restless, yet you could not stay awake. I watched you make an articficial midnight. No lights, no open blinds, or cracked windows, you made it as dark as you could in day light. I watched the tears fall silently down your face. I listened to you ask yourself the same questions over and over and still get no answer. I entruded. I preyed, I listened to your deepest darkest secrets that you shared in confidence with God. I was there, I witnessed, I apologized, I may have tainted your trust in me. Please forgive me. I wanted to hold you, and tell you everything was going to be okay, I wanted to wipe your tears away, I wanted to be there for you; BUT I COULDN'T FIND THE WORDS TO SAY.. nor the voice to say them in. Forgive me for just watching, and not being able to fix all that is broken
- Jedidah.
*yes, this is a letter from me to me.... do you think I am going crazy yet?*
blackgirlinthecity
heres an peice of a blog I read that toally re-adjusted my mind frame. slap in the face. thank you.
"Humans by nature are drawn and magically attracted to anything new. Sometimes it doesn’t matter what it is or what it looks like, only that it’s new. When we’re excited about the new we get the positive feelings that come along with it. I call it the ‘up and up’ phase. When you’re on the up and up you’re not worried about the foundation you’re building in the process. But when it falls back to reality what will you land on? Did you spend lots of time building a foundation or did you spend time partaking in the pleasures that took you higher? I think you answered the question yourself when you said, “ He wants to be friends but we can’t be friends. We didn’t start off as friends so we can’t end that way.”" -black girl in the city
*for full blog go to www.blackgirlinthecity.wordpress.com*
"Humans by nature are drawn and magically attracted to anything new. Sometimes it doesn’t matter what it is or what it looks like, only that it’s new. When we’re excited about the new we get the positive feelings that come along with it. I call it the ‘up and up’ phase. When you’re on the up and up you’re not worried about the foundation you’re building in the process. But when it falls back to reality what will you land on? Did you spend lots of time building a foundation or did you spend time partaking in the pleasures that took you higher? I think you answered the question yourself when you said, “ He wants to be friends but we can’t be friends. We didn’t start off as friends so we can’t end that way.”" -black girl in the city
*for full blog go to www.blackgirlinthecity.wordpress.com*
d e e p
MYPHYILOSOPHY
love, prepare yourself to shine i have no other way you should know by now no, theres no reason to hide we all know youve got pain we all know youve got pride i really love your pride as i see my reflection shining from the corners of your eyes yes, its my philosophy that when i believe in you, i believe in me, i believe in me love, im tired of nostalgia, its just trapped imagination im happy with right now no, its not that im afraid of something i may find its just all those designs we put on everything once weve had the experience romanticized until its worth a while my love, i want to know the truth i want an empty room that i can scream in dont have to believe in my love, i want to be myself but not all by myself, not all by myself yes, its my philosophy that when i believe in you, i believe in me, i believe in me love, i dont know how to say it felt good to walk away take back some of what is mine cause its hard to see you shine cause it hard to see you shining when im here slowly dying you know i dont feel proud to be so selfish i dont really mean to bring you down (yes, its my philosophy that if i'm accepting you you're accepting me......) yes, its my philosophy that when i believe in you, i believe in me, i believe in yes, its my philosophy that when i believe in you, i believe in me, i believe in yes, its my philosophy that when i believe in you, i believe in me, i believe in me
by far thee deepest i've read/heard/felt/connected with lately. thank you inner
love, prepare yourself to shine i have no other way you should know by now no, theres no reason to hide we all know youve got pain we all know youve got pride i really love your pride as i see my reflection shining from the corners of your eyes yes, its my philosophy that when i believe in you, i believe in me, i believe in me love, im tired of nostalgia, its just trapped imagination im happy with right now no, its not that im afraid of something i may find its just all those designs we put on everything once weve had the experience romanticized until its worth a while my love, i want to know the truth i want an empty room that i can scream in dont have to believe in my love, i want to be myself but not all by myself, not all by myself yes, its my philosophy that when i believe in you, i believe in me, i believe in me love, i dont know how to say it felt good to walk away take back some of what is mine cause its hard to see you shine cause it hard to see you shining when im here slowly dying you know i dont feel proud to be so selfish i dont really mean to bring you down (yes, its my philosophy that if i'm accepting you you're accepting me......) yes, its my philosophy that when i believe in you, i believe in me, i believe in yes, its my philosophy that when i believe in you, i believe in me, i believe in yes, its my philosophy that when i believe in you, i believe in me, i believe in me
by far thee deepest i've read/heard/felt/connected with lately. thank you inner
09072008
*sigh* He would have turned one years old today. My heart still aches, my mind still wonders, I still feel incomplete. I am still angry, I am still sad, I was forever changed that day in the cold doctors office. I still remember the words from his mouth that cut me deeper than any man made ojbect could. They cut past my extiror into my soul. For those words that left his mouth that day have haunted me since, for those words I CAN NEVER FORGIVE HIM and I will never forget. Me being in the medical field myself, I know there was nothing that I could do, and as much as he claimed it was my fault; it wasn't. It was invitable. What's meant to be in life will be, but it still does not replace the agnst and pain that still haunts my heart. The power in the bond between mother and child can never be explained in its entirety. There are no words. Just the emotions, and the void that was left and can never be filled. Everything happens for a reason, I keep telling myself that God wanted his angel back, so he can look over his mother and his older sister. All I have of him is a faint photograph and the extremely loud memory of his heart beat... it was silent. SILENCE SPEAKS VOLUMES. For the short time I carried him close to my heart, I became attatched even though at the time in my life another mouth to feed was not the best thing for me, but GOD he makes a way out of NO WAY ... he would of made it okay.
Today I will remember my son and angel as I do everyday and I am thankful that I have someone watching mommys back when others turned theirs. I am thankful for my first born Jordyn Brooke Elizabeth, for she has made me a better being. All I can say is thank you, and I love you && we shall meet again when my time here on earth is up. That shall be a joyus day.
Until then, Happy Birthday Baby you will never be replaced but I pray you come again in another form, to comfort mommy here on earth until I meet you in heaven.
Lonely??
I'm lonely. Or am I? Yes, I am. Even though I am surrounded by people a lot of the time, I am still lonely. Or am I lonesome? Wait there is no possible way I can be lonely mentally right? I mean when I am by myself and its just me and my shadow, my mind runs a million miles per minute. The voices of reasoning, the should-a, could-a, would-a's are so loud they never shuthefuck up! Yet I say I'm lonely. You know what dammit I am lonely, it gets lonesome talking to yourself all the damn time. And I have to watch talking to myself out loud because people will really begin to think that I am a serious nut case. I'll be that, but I'd rather be a closet nut case. Hmm different word perhaps. I'm not lonely, I'm craving, I'm yearning, I'm wanting with great desire. Yeah... those are better than just lonely. I want the mental, physical, and emotional connection with a human being. Different than the types that I have with my daughter, my mother, friends... AND MY DAMN SELF. I yearn for someone to "get" me and accept my flaws and all and understand that sometimes my life is rough and my knees get weak and I just need someone to lean on for a second so I can regain my composure. It's lonely without that type of connection. That's the same connection you see in elderly couples holding hands while walking down the street totally as much in love as they were 20 some odd years ago. Is it wrong for me to feel incomplete? No, not at all, maybe its wrong of me to want it when I want it and not wait for when God sees fit to give me that connection. lol at myself here I go again, talking to myself in blog. wow.
r e a l i z e
realization [insert slight laugh and sigh]
is a slap in the face
when you realize
the real lies
from those same eyes
those promised matrimonial ties
realize
the realization
the slap
my face
your eyes
my cries
realize...
is a slap in the face
when you realize
the real lies
from those same eyes
those promised matrimonial ties
realize
the realization
the slap
my face
your eyes
my cries
realize...
touch me
send electrifying chills from the bottom of my soles
to the depth of my soul
every so softly- please? touch me
with your fingertips
tippy toe your way slowly
across my fleshwith every light press
and feather weight release
through your fingertips
release your soul to me
and touch me
with open palm, let it rest upon my chest
listen hard...
can you hear my heart beat?can you hear its faint cry
screaming out for you?
for you to touch me and
subtract the pain
the strain
the stress
the misery
somehow repair the broken pieces to my heart magically
just touch me
I can feel your heartbeat on my flesh
wait...
Just breatheallow yours to catch up with me
same pace
same place
same time
same rhythmsame rhyme
touch me
re-arrange the pieces where they are supposed to be
touch me
touch me here
touch me there
touch me where no one can see
... now will you allow me?
81708 MACM.JR
this is me
There is a method to my madness. This is my blog, my thoughts, and my beliefs are this is my life. If you must, humor me, walk a mile in my shoes, better yet take a look at life through my eyes. Oh yeah, I will forewarn you that I have spilt personalities (no I have not been clinically diagnosed, but its the only way I can describe it) I am a being of many layers, have fun trying to peel away at them, trust me it gets old quick. I tire my own self out doing so. I would call them Alias' but that wouldn't be completely correct in its context regarding me so, they are my personalities. There is Jedidah, twenty four year old single mother, sister, daughter, best friend. She is the nurturer, the lover.. the person who you may never get to meet because the other two bitches always want their freakin spot light! She is a writer in her own mind, a photographer in her own eyes and soul searching music lover. She is the girl next door. Then there us Chocolate Chip (Barbie) she comes out from time to time, there is just something about her, so I'm told... I don't really whats so good about her, shes the same person she was 60lbs heavier. Anyway Choco has to have her nails, feet, and hair done on a regular. Lip and eyebrow waxing is a must. She new at wearing dresses and heels but wears them well. So I've been told that there is something about her smile, her eyes, the way she looks INTO you, oh the LIPS we cannot for get the lips can we. Some even get a kick out of a 24 year old who JUST got braces. They think its cute and sexy. Hmm I'm not to sure about that one, but hey to each their own, She's got that "Love Spell" for sure. Looses interest with people who lack substance or who cannot fulfil the void she is trying to fill at the time. She reels them in and spits them out; for her own selfish needs. BUT AS WE KNOW KARMA IS A BITCH. Lastly there is RENEGADE. She doesn't take no shit, speaks her mind when she see fit, and has also started to keep her mouth shut as well. Silence speaks volumes people. Try it sometime. One's best quality can also be their worst. She always has her guard up (THANKS TO THE FAKE ASS FEMALES AND LYING CHEATING MEN). She has anger management issues. Anger is a secondary emotion, it has a funny way of masking the underling issues. She has undergone to 52 weeks worth of court ordered anger management classes which I must say was for the better considering the circumstances. All there intertwined, she is me and I am her. Love me or leave me the hell alone. So shall we begin? Me: completely mentally && emotionally "NEKKED"... this is my form of thearpy.
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