BOBBY

I effin LOVE this kid he's so extra-terrestrial.
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she took my temperature and then she took my heart

walked away with my medical chart

like "he's crazed"

possibly so, cuz these days break a man down

but how could we know?

i sat here, she sat there

chemicals flowed as i showed a catatonic stare

a fools gaze, heavy are the eyes

that look upon an ill kid, or maybe it's all fugaz

her prognosis, sick boy underlined

with five doses of love potion number nine

i sunk

and felt my heart beating

like oh happy dagger, when is it that we'll start bleeding

or stop

can't deny what i feel

to get well is to get gone, so why the hell heal


*sigh* he sooo DOPE.

Team TUCKER. he goesss mega hard.



Tucker Barkley originally comes from Texas, now lives in LA for the past year, to pursue his dance an choreography career. Even though Tucker is only 17 years old, he is no stranger to the dance world. Tucker has danced all his life, growing up in his mothers dance studio and competing.

Tucker has been told he is one of the most versatile dancers out there, from being technically trained in jazz, ballet, tap, and every style of hip hop, and even some breakin and gymnastics thrown in. But his passion is Hip Hop.

Since moving to LA the past year he has been working as a professional dancer, most recently worked with artists, Omarion, and Sean Paul with Keyshia Cole, and Disney�s Corbin Bleu, and Jordan Pruitt, Tucker is also working with several new artists.







THiS CHRiSTMAS.



Jordy.B and I put the christmas tree up on Happy Thanks, she delegated and I got my Martha Stewart on. Totally raided the parental unit. My mom has issues with buying stuff in bluk when its on clearance, she has like 6 xmas trees (we usually put three up in the house) hella bows, lights, ornaments, and tree toppers, xmas paper and bows. I just went in there and pick and chose what i wanted. Jordyn picked up the gold and white Angel and said " mommy shes sooo beautiful!" and she wouldnt put her down, so gold bows it was with white lights, simple and classy. Of course id choose the tree that rotates and spits snow out the top right, pist that i had to vacum up all that styraphome snow that came spewing out the top, UNPLUGGED IT REAL QUICK.


[rapping elf mic check one two one two.. lol]

Anyway, Jordyn and I had a conversation the other day about Christmas. I told her that she is a very fortunate child and that in order for her to recieve new things she most give away some of her old things to children who are less fortunate. She was totally all aboout it, telling me what she is going to give and to who. She decided all her little toys can go to her twin cousins because shes not a baby anymore, and she will give away some of her baby dolls to little girls who dont have any baby dolls... get this . lol "so i can make room for more baby dolls santa is gonna bring me." lol. Shes cute. This weekend her dads family took her to see the Polar Express at the IMAX theatre. She was soo excited to come home and tell me about the funny glasses she had to wear, and to blow that annoying polar express whistle they gave her. Running around here blowing and screaming "ALLLL ABOARD!!" She also got to sit on santas lap and tell him what she wanted for Christmas, im sure her list was super long winded, cause everytime a commercial for a toy comes on she talking about "mommy can you get me this for Christmas?" I got half my shopping done for her, just a few more things... im thinkin hard about the Furreal Pet Pony Butter Scotch. She wants it soo bad, but im like dude, the dora vanity is already in her room, shes getting this huge dollhouse, where am i gonna put this 3 foot tall pony? hmmmm.


[joeys home aloe face.]

Monday i took all the gifts out my trunk and wrapped them, HMMMPPPH i totally suck and wrapping presents, i hate it. THE ODD SHAPED BOXES UUGHH totally pissed me off. Then i got tape stuck to me, my boxes were wrapped all baggy like. lol haha im pretty creative person, but wrapping is not my fortae'. Gift bags and Gas Gift Cards on mine for the rest of the people. So, Jordyn came home from school totally WIGGIN out, "oh my gosh mommy santa claus is real, he came and brought me my presents oh my gosh!" She tried to open them, and got uber butt hurt when i told her she had to wait 22 more days. She cried and said "but mommy i dont wanna wait i been good." lol I went in her closet and found a babydoll and puzzle she hasnt opened yet, and let her play with those, she was happy, and we added two more things to the give away toy box.


[silly butt gigglin and showin off her freshly painted nails by mommy]

Im super sad my mom and my lilo sister are going to the West Indies to visit my grandparents. I couldnt swang 18 hunned each for me and Joey. Im totally gonna miss Carinval and boxing day. No patties, no ginger beer, no fruit cake, no jerk, no curry goat, no dum dum fruit, no shaved ice, no good dutchie, no Caribbean Rum, no torquise water, and white sand beaches, no soccer with mu cousins, no boxing day, no mash'n up the street to the early morning. *sigh* next year.

rage on JORDYN b.

she totally cracks mommy up, this is her white girl dance, better this than perculaten and cry babys like some people i know offspring. If you say princess' dont do something she wont do it, cause Jordyn B. is thee ultimate PRiNCESS and cant no one tell her nothing.



break dancing and raising the roof, whatchu know bout that! take it back joey!



just wanted to share some of the precious moments that melt my heart a million times over, im blessed.

lmaooooo

i will FOREVER BE DEADED a MILLION DEATHS everytime i watch this. i swear i do like 500 crunches from laughing sooo hard. DEEENNG. im convienced this is a chi chi man, cant no woman really look like this, if so im sad and i pray shes not from my island. BEWARE, you may fall out your chair. HIGH-LARRY-OUS.NESS.

Disturbed



" You and Jordyn dont act like Mother and Daughter, you act like sisters. She's going to be running you by the time shes five years old." - my mom.

That really hurt my feelings, I couldn't even respond to it, at all. I just stared at her with that " are you effin serious" look on my face. Last time I checked there was not a manual and class designed just for me and my child. Yes, books and classes in general, but not for JORDYN BROOKE ELIZABETH RENFROW!

Yes, she is SPOILED ROTTEN, she didnt get there by myself alone. Yes, she has a strong personality, she got it from myself and her dad. Yes, shes sassy in the mouth, hell shes my chld. Yes, shes hyper all the time, energizer bunny 24/7 she got that from her dad. Yes, shes rough and likes to wrestle and throws temper tantrums when she cant get her way, DUH SHES MY CHILD. Yes, shes UBER SMART AHEAD OF HER AGE! She got that from her father and I.

I really cannot be mad at the way she is because, she is a product of me. Although I can curb her attitude, shush that expressive tongue of hers, and calm her rage when shes passionate about something, BUT ALL OF THESE THINGS WILL MAKE HER STRONG. The world is tough, she will NOT BE BULLIED, SHE WILL NOT BE TALKED INTO DOING DRUGS AND THINGS SHE KNOWS ARE WRONG. Her stubborn ways are a pain in the ass now, but will be good for her when shes older. She never takes no for an answer, and if she does then shell take aother route to get what she wants. If that aint a go getter in training then i dont know what is.

All i can do, is my best. Teach her how to be an indepedent woman, put her trust in GOD, dont depend on NO GUY to help you get through life. I have to teach her to keep something to herself, not to give it all away, to the first boy who says he loves her. I got my work cut out for me, this i know. I got my shot gun and chastity belt on layaway too!

My mom says Jordyn is just like I was when I was her age... that I cant be mad about, at all. My child will be alright in this eff'd up world.

o yah

new ink. 5 stars on the wrist for my five love lost. Aunt Chrissy, Mohammed, James, Dru && my brother J Bird. 3 Baby stars behind the ear for the babies, Ethan (my son)Clayton, and Faith. Next rosary around my ankle and resting on my foot with my brothers intials on the cross, the enitre outline of the Caribbean Islands on my left side, down my rib cage to my hip, and hebrew script on the back of my neck, cant make up my mind what exactly i want there and then im done.7 is a good number its a whole number 7 coverable works of meaningful art. <3



ahhhh

okay so im having some major cabin fever, seriously. I want to be by myself, and when I am I dont want to be alone. But there is no one near (aside from Jordyn) that id even consider sharing space and oxygen with, not even my friends, im just really not in the mood to be in my own skin. My creative juices are on an all time HIGH for some reason today and im frustrated because it's ugly outside, andi dont have a subject. Well I have Jordyn but what I invisioned is not for a child. Soooo when worse comes to worse use yourself as your own canvass and critque the shit out of you. So I did.




deng lil whooadiie (trials of a baby mama)

So my new SK LX came in the mail yesterday, thank you lawd because my other one was sooo DONEZO. I put miles on SK'S. Ahhh my BeHOLD IS ON THEE WAY I'M JUICED. Yes I am one of those people who have more than one phone. I have issues, I get bored BUT I have issues with change, I dont do change well but I played with it for like an hour at the T-HOMo store and I'm sold. It reminds me of my cousins DARE which I damn near nutted over. And all my apps and ringtones were xfrd' over and lookie lookie what I found chillin in my text sent folder. Hmmmm.


Photobucket


please go practice killing yourself & that platoon! lets hope you get it right the first time. call me what u want. I can care less what u think. I shouldn't of even told u half of what was goin on the small portion that I did tell u anyway. should of just let you call. let u make yourself mad. u better hope a check comes in the mail so u have something to talk to jordyn on. if not o well. leave me alone. really go do something with yourself, go catch an STD, inpregnante some chick have a shot gun wedding. and move on with your life. the short one I'm sure u will have. imsoodonewith you. goodbye.

Geezeee. :o( that's mild compared to some of the other verbal bidness I've given the sperm donor. I read it now, and I'm like dood really? You shouldn't have even wasted your time. Hella slacked on changing my number because I didn't want to cut all communication off between the sperm donor and Jordyn. It just didn't feel right. UNTIL I was fed up, he wasn't calling to talk to Jordyn he was calling to talk to me, either to talk shit about me being neglectful as a mother because I bust my ass work 12 plus hr shifts days AND nights and go to school. Please! C'mon now son. Or he's calling talking about he still loves me and wants his family black. NEGATIVE PRIVATE SPERM DONOR NEVER GONNA HAPPEN. I dont understand how you tell someone no, we been there done that we are oil and water we DO NOT MIX and then they wanna dig in their 'bag o feelins' and call u all kinda bitches, cunts, sluts, whores, etc?? And I'm like riiighhhhht, I'm all of that and yet your begging me? Dumb! So most of the time he doesn't even call to talk to Joey, he calls when she's in school or I'm at work. I just stopped answering his calls. VMail treatment tough. FYI I never check my vmail. The texts never stopped so. I told him to call his mom when she watches Jordyn. I changed my number and all is good in the hood with me. I got Jordyn a line and a lil cell and told him he can call that to speak with her. Has he called yet? NEGATIVE! Ooo Jordyn just thought she was bammmb.com when I gave her, her cell. 3.5 yo with a cell... shame BUT THEE SOLUTION AND LESS STRESS. Ughhh hell be home on leave in like 3 weeks. Ughhh.

Photobucket


Jordyn loves the hell out of that man though. Daddy's little girl. Frustrated the living bajeezus out of me that I bust my ass and she's all moody with me and he does nothing but feed her false hope and broken promises but to her, his shit dont stink. Yet! She will form her own opinion of him and he doesn't have to worry about proving anything to me he's going to have a hell of a time proving it to her! She is her mamas baby she dont take no ish! (3 months later and we are still waiting on the package he promised to send her, yet he was bragging about buying a new laptop. Ppfft) Too bad he can't fathom the fact that any success in life WILL NEVER OUT WEIGH A FAILURE AT HOME. HE SIGNED OVER ALL CUSTODY AND RIGHTS... his bad. Now he wanna bump gums about what he's entitled too. Please. SIKE YOUR MIND.

Oooo my fav line ever was "it feels good to know that my child support pays your rent." WTFeezy! Ha! Doesn't even cover my rent. And I make your CSUP for a month in a shift and a half. So please go saddown! The money he sends goes to Jordyn. Anything she needs and wants, she has it. Hair products for mixed kids aint no joke son! She's growing sooo fast out of all her clothes and shoes everytime I turn around. Yiikkess. && no we dont do velcro shoes from walmart. *shurgs* lets just say mom works hard for hers and her and her baby dont walk around lookin like just anything, blame the parental unit they spoiled me.

Moral of my random rant. Drop the dead weight and eliminate stress in your life.

Oo and I'm sick AGAIN. I been sick off and on for almost 3 months. Jordyn and I keep passing germs to one another. Its all those snot nose kids at her school and my patients too. Strep and head cold this time. Hella ghey. I feel like my head is going to explode from the pressure. Thank you lawd no vertigo virus, I had that 3 times this year. :o( all the stress and crazy work hours has my immune system shot and left me all wide open for the germ squad. I got a Flu shot && that made me sick too.

Ahh I watched the last days of Lisa Left Eye Lopes while getting my hair done tonight. I'm still trying to digest what I watched. All I keept saying while watching her documentary was "she knew it was her time" she saw all the signs, went through the motions and prepared herself for eternal life. Beautiful and heart breaking at the same time. The girl who does my hair and her sister kept saying she's 'weird', I disagree, she was highly misunderstood, and was crying out for help and no one could hear. She did what she was sent here to do had God took his angel back. Daaaamn. Soo much. More elaboration and feelings later when I think on it somemore or watch it again.

ToodaLoo.

sleepless and scatterbrained as usual.


I'm hella tired, yet I can't sleep as usual. Maybe I should be knocking out these last chapters and starting my two final papers... Idk im just not feeling it right now, i work better under pressure... lol the day before. I went to dinner with my girls bean, rae, kim, and cen for beans bday (i footed me and Beans bill .NOT CHEAP. happy bday bean 24 wooo)at LaLa Grill... sooo good. I had a fatty bbq onion ring sammich and fries and a LaLa signiture MOJITO! Yes, I know I quit drinking... for the most of most parts but it was Beans bday. The girls laughed at me because they said I was baby sitting my drink. I ate my food and waited until I was finshed with my meal and drank it, it was really watered down by then... and I was feeling warm. lol SUPER LIGHT WEIGHT. I surprising the hell out of myself because a few months ago you could mos def call me an alcoholic... well a wino cause that used to be my shit! But these days I dont even have the desire or the want to drink. I am so not the same person I used to. I can finally see the change in myself. It is a wonderful thing to see a change within yourself, that everyone else has noticed before you did. I am a work and progress and always will be, and I am okay with that. Anyway, dinner was bitter sweet because I sat at the table looking at the girls and I got sad because even though we are still friends, things just are not the same. WE USED TO HANG TOUGH (ahhh NEW KIDS ON THE BLOCK what you know bout that!). We are getting older and leading our own lives and starting our own families. Clubbing and partying are mos def a thing of the past for us all. Rae said she went out on wednesday night and left at 11:30 because the crowd was young, all the youngsters are now old enough to drink and it was her que to go. It's been my que for almost a year. I dont go out here in down town Monterey Bay because it is way too played out, and everytime I go I see the same ass wack ass aint doing shit with their lives people from high school, some older and some younger and I have to stop and think... hmmm im just as lame. Like the saying goes " how would you know I was looking at you if you were not looking at me." I hate that we have to make appointments to see one another a catch up aside from short convos and text messages, but I am blessed with some really good friends. I can always count on them. I have really been asking myself, what am I still doing here in MB? Yes, it is home, but it is also a black hole. If you don't get out you will be stuck here forever. Im staying for my daughter mostly, my parents, sisters and neices and nephews are here, her God parents and her sperm donors familys are here aswell. It takes a village to raise a child, and I'm blessed to have a big village. [SIDEBAR:who says blessed and shit in the same blog tho? lol I said I was a work in progress ;o)] I am very overprotective of my child, I dont let just anyone watch her unless its family, and SOME FAMILY IS NOT INCLUDED. Ness and Bean are the only two friends that I let babysit her, and that was because they were my last of last resorts. It's time to stretch my wings and fly. The one thing that I want most is to move, fuse the two dysfunctional families into one functional family (thats the way he says it)get my degree, start teaching, and be able to have my parents come visit me and wait on them hand and foot so they can relax because Lord knows they need a vacation. The very thought of it makes my heart smile. I will. I am. Getting my ducks in order with time.

came home feelin myself off that watered down mojito and MAYBE the meds for my migraine *shurgs* lol .iPHOTO. is what I call it when the photographer steps in front of the camera. Yikes I'm still shy about showing my work to the world. I've been told I was good. Idk, i guess i find beauty in everything ... even me sometimes... whatevs busy day tomorrow - work.spa appointment.hair appointment.&& work again.








okay now serious...i.PHOTO'S self portrait.gnight.

one step away from you will lead to another step closer to me

Its time for me to go , I get up in silence , one last lonely tear streams down my face, I take one step backwards away from you away from the pain away from the fairly tales of a life happily ever after. Paralyzed by my actions I watch my feet. Another step backwards, and another. I meet your eyes and have no words left to say. My heart is pounding out of my chest, I'm sure you can see it, I know you can hear it. My eyes lock on yours, and I take another step away. Finger tips escaping the grasp, your embrace, the trance you have held over my heart til this day. Another step. One last sigh, one last blink, one last good bye. Another step, this isn't by the force of me- but reality. I was ready to stay in the wonder wonder land we built collectively in our own minds. With each step I take I'm placing all our memories in my heart, because you will always hold a big part. Another step away from that dress, another step away from that ring, another step away from all of our dreams. Those eyes, I will miss. Another step. Those lips I will no longer kiss. Another step. Those arms will no longer keep me warm at night. Another step and my foot prints feel of led, no more falling asleep with you rubbing my head. My feet are in competition with my heart, the faster it beats the faster I feel myself walk away. Another step my eyes still fixated on your past the pretty brown to your core.. Another step away from you leads to another step closer to me. Even though your face is beginning to fade, your presence still lingers and it haunts me. With space and time every step I take away, is another step away from yesterday will comfort me today. An every time I close my eyes I can still see your face. Another step, and I do the unspeakable and suprise me; I turn my back. I turning my back to you. I'm turning my back on all that I ever knew. A single step that transcended into a steady jog. I went from walking to running from you and back to me. Back at square one where the begining of the end shall take place, eventually it shall set me free. Only time will tell and will heal all wounds. I know I will tire myself soon- from running and when I do; finally stop... and take a breath, a distant memory of you and me, a distant memory of that ring, that dress that life happily ever after... a distant memory will be all that is left.

Hello self, oh how I've missed you, you and I -beautiful; we have some catching up to do.

.....

Speak to my heart
Words need not apply
Look deep into my soul with your eyes
Penatrate the layers and break down the walls
Around this heart of mine

Speak to my heart
And accept all my perfect imperfections
Hold me close
For moments in time
Speak to my heart in our special embrace

Aahhh to be continued. Writers block.

check your reflection

And again I have come to a point in my life where I must stress[if you cannot be honest with yourself than who can you be honest with?]

First and foremost, God, yourself, then everyone else. Any given relationship between two individuals regardless of the situations,circumstances, or labels cannot function with out communication.

Lack of communication equals an unstable foundation. One can foolishly build hopes and dreams on a faulty foundation and have the audacity to be surprised when the shit plumates from cloud nine to reality.

If you and I cannot express our feelings, joys, pains, frustrations and struggles freely with one another- then what the hell are we doing here? Wasting time. Life is too short, I dont have time to waste.

Newsflash I am not a mind reader. I can't go around assuming I know what someone else thinks and feels. That's a recipe for disaster and downfall. If you dont speak, how will I know. If you dont teach, how will I learn? Flipping the script does nothing but push me away and bring down the walls I put up once I feel like my heart is at jeapordy.

Being honest with me, means being honest with yourself. Maybe your not ready to handle the truth, and maybe I'm fed up with the excuses.

Silence, it speaks volumes. I can't understand how a person can let someone make up their mind about you when you claim its against the grain. Yes, the world, I'm not the world. The world doesn't know you like I do, the world doesn't know you how I want to get to know you and learn you.

*le sigh* I shall continue to moon walk through the abyss with the voices in my head on 'shuffle.'

bLeeekkk.

Hmmm. If I was not me I'd want to ROCK MY GRILL. So, one day I just woke up and stopped everything cold turkey, now wheening nothing. I'm a firm believer of mind over matter especially when it comes to pain. Any way, no more daily drinking of alcohol for me chasen that lunesta just to sleep. FYI: Insomia sucks ass. No more smoking Newports anymore. I guess ten eleven years was enough, yes since i was 13; what can I say, picked up my dads bad habbits. I super slowed down on the starbucks too. I don't know whats going on but my body is going into withdrawls. I am sooo mega moody, its ridic. I havent slept in forever. Ive laid with my eyes closed for hours on end, but i always seem to float in REM sleep never deep sleep because I'm trying to wheen myself off the Insomnia meds. Ahhhh killing me. This IUD is getting on my nerves too. I can go months without a womanly cycle... hmm this month it decided to show up. My face broke out from stress and pms. I never break out. lol Mega gheey Im supposed to be going to FL this sat- tues. I guess everything happens for a reason.

Any who Mrs. Wallace .5 of the PARENTAL UNIT (my mom) called me busting my chops yesterday. She super ruffled my feathers. :( the conversation went a lil something like this...

Mom: *west indian accent* "DeeDee wats wrong wit u gal?"
Me: *bland* "what do you mean, whats wrong with me?"
Mom: "are you eating? do you need food, gas, money?"
Me: "im fine mom"
Mom: "Is JoJo eating?"
Me: "yes, shes eating, she is fine she never goes without!"
Mom: "you know if you need something you can always ask for it."
Me: "uughh mom I dont need nothing from you and dad, i got this."
Mom: "im just saying gal sometimes its gets rough and we are here to help, thats all and you can keep that attitude to yourself for i come slap ya mouth."
Me: " you called me, I said no, im about to be 25 years old lemme handle this gosh, how else am i ever gonna learn how to take care of me and mine if i dont struggle and grow. i am the way i am now because of you and dad always spoiling.
Mom: "well we just dont want to see you struggling thats all DeeDee. You need to take a nap and eat, your grouchie."
Me: "I said im good, trust me you guys will be my last resort. just lemme handle this."
Mom: "Fine, i love you gal."
Me: "Love you too, bye."

My parents have broken their backs especially my mom to keep us three girls sitting pretty, never had to want or be without anything. If we wanted it, it was ours, as long as the grades were up and our rooms were clean. Okay, so I am 24 almost 25 with a 3 year old child and I have been completely on my own for almost 7 months now, no parents, no baby daddy, just me and the mini-me. Yes, the shit is not all cookies and cream. But im trying to learn. Leave it up to the parental unit, they would foot the bill until my daughter was 18. My mom doesnt seem to understand me when I say that Jordyn is my responsibility, shes my child, I need to take care of her on my own. And I say this because my parents care for my older sisters children and her and her baby daddy and she is 30 damn years old, a 12 year old, 3 year old, and twins 10 months! She aint got no job. My parents pay for everything. THAT IS NOT A GOOD LOOK! Sad to say I am ashamed she is my blood, and she is my main MOTIVATION on what not to be like. Anyway my mother and I have had this conversation before, and I know I came off crabby, but ggeeezzzee can i please fall and bust my ass once without the damn safety net. I will never learn if I don't and they are always holding my hand. I lost alot of lives this past year and I know my parents are not always gonna be here, so id rathter know how to deal now, than be stuck and culture shocked like my older sister is gonna be when they day comes. Ahhhh maybe i should call and apologize for my stank ass attitude... not today, maybe tomorrow. :o/

missin em'

hella miss my girls, lifes just mega hectic these days especially since we are all "grow'd" up. Ahhh mid twenties already. Too bad we all look 18ish. Anyway, Beans bday "get down do you" in Sacramento is off for this coming weekend, we just all have too much going on in life. Sooo dinner at LaLa's Grill on Thursday, dinner and drinks on me for the bday girl! I will not be sipping but, i will be eating. I have to get her one of those corny birthday tiaras or something.

Bean, Mimi, Rae, Mariezie, Ashikashae, I miss you beezy's.







random.ness

"But with you
There is no guarantee
Only expired warranty
A bunch
Of broken parts
But I can't seem
To find your heart"
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katy perry Pictures, Images and Photos


fyi: i heart Katy Perry!!! SHE ROCKS MY SOCKS!

Woot! her CD has been on replay in my car for weeks, since it came out. She's awesome. I forgive her for stealing my man Travie McCoy too. Whatever, they are gonna make some flyy ass babies!

-this acoustic version is great. =0)


MusicPlaylistRingtones
Music Playlist



sleepy random gibberish at work, its bothering me.

Ahhh the word bothering bothers me. :o(

"People change when they get bored"

Bothering*

&& on that note *drops mic* I'm done with you sir... for as long as I can stand it. Who knows I may surprise myself.
--------------------------------------

Okay so Jr. & I had a conversation tonight and he asked me what was going on with me. I told him my hip and joints hurt from the cold weather and the pain medication that I take has started making me feel sick. Probably because, I feel immune and double up with out adequit food intake? Anyway I told him that my womanly cycle is on and I was especially emo and cried like all day. Of course he asked why, and also said crying is good for you. I told him I was crying because yet again I was beating myself up mentally about things I couldn't answer. He said like what? Totally reeling me in where I didn't wanna go, but I went anyway. I said, "I kept asking myself what was wrong with me, mentally, physically and emotionally as a girlfriend? And why do I always end up getting the short end of the stick?" Like really, do I walk around with a post it note on my forehead that says, liars, cheaters, degraders please apply within? Aahhh anyway he tells me its hard to say because I've changed so much (woot high five for that). He said I got the issues with the sperm donor finally undercontrol which caused a lot of problems, I stopped smoking. I stopped drinking. Aye did I tell, you I stopped drinking? Well, I did. Maybe one day I will share the reasonings behind my choice, but for now I will keep that for me and say it was time. Trust me it goes a lot deeper than that piss poor excuse.

Then Jr. dropped the BOMB on me. Lol he said one thing you can change would be the way you fight when you argue and how you go about it. Ughhh my face cringes. I swear I been doin good with this whole anger management deal! I whoossaaaw, I count backwards, a lot of the time I dont even say anything about stuff that has upset me until days later. But, I just listened. He says, "you know I dont like when you use the word nigga" and make your "nigga please look." I take it. I never told him I used it towards him when we fought because I knew he didn't like it nor approve. Duh, who plays nice when your fighting? I didn't even go there. Instead it opened up a can of worms in a different way. Out of nowhere I'm like "I think my usage of the word nigga is used in a way of trying to prove that I am black, because I got teased about it a lot growing up, chocolate covered white girl, etc. In the WI I'm not considered Caribbean because I'm americanized blah blah blah." Sounds super dumb, because in all actuality it is an ignorant word, used by ignorant, uneducated, close minded people. Why would I want to be associated or linked to or even compared to people like that? Jr. asks "Who are you trying to prove yourself to Jedidah? You dont have to prove yourself to anyone." Ahhhh I stayed quiet for a minute, and I agree. Then I'm like seriously who do I have to prove myself to? Thinking to myself EVERYONE, it seems. I feel like I'm under a microscope daily. My parents, my family, my daughters fathers family, Johnny Law, the sperm donor. MYSELF. Again, I dont tell him these things because then we'd dig deeper than I was ready to go with him at least. Instead I tell him that I dont use it often really unless I'm talking with certain people like my ghetto fabuloso cousin Ayana. && I slip in "my nigguhhhh" or "thiiiiiisss nigguuhh" or "niigguuhh pplleaasses" in conversation, its the way we say it to one another imitating comedians... either way nigga, nigger, nigguuhh same difference still ignorant. As for the look... all I can do is change the name from Nigguh please, to Bitch please, which sometimes it is. Uugh like Jr. knows but he doesn't totally know, like I'd break it down him but idk if he's ready for all of that or if I'm ready for that conversation. He knows and understands what I'm feeling but he who say it outloud. He is the 'twinkie' & I am the 'hostess cupcake' . Like I'm not from the hood, never been there never experienced it, so I can't relate. Most definentaly not growing up in the part of Monterey Bay that I did. No, I didn't have many or any black friends growing up and now, associates yes, friends no. Two cousins Yanna & Treecie and they aren't even blood. Maybe its because here there's a 'likkle bit of ere-ting a likkle bit ah dis ah likkle bit ah dat' lol :o) I'm always considered the 'token' bud of the white girl jokes. What the hekk ever. I'm not your average. I get my nationality mistaken daily. Lol. I get Indian from India and Fiji Indian a lot! There's quite a few here (shout out to one of my besties Ashika). I've gotten Ethiopian a few times and more so than none the whole "I know your black and something else, question." Shoot me please. How about I'm human? My mom says its my skin tone how its dark but gives off a red tint and my pointy nose and slanted/chinky BiG eyes. Whatever I'm human, no I'm not ghetto or from the hood, the word nigger in all forms needs to be wiped from my vocabulary, (I will let it remain in older posts and myspace captions). Hmmm I really dont think its the word itself that may be the problem, I think, well I know its the anger and how I go from normal to the Incredible Hulk in 2.5 seconds flat while intoxicated and how I build and boil over and everyone ones a victim. I've also mastered the art of lowkey talking shit, low blows, and beating someone down with words. Kill you before you get killed type deal and that was 4 years of learned behavior that I can't seem to kick to the curb along with his sorry ass.

Aahhh completely off I dont wanna talk about this anymore. Maybe next time he will want to dig into why I'm so angry? Pfftt ill pass that's a neverending conversation. Simple yet complex. Anger is a secondary emotion (learned that in anger management buddy :oD) its used to mask the underling feelings and issues. This I know, duh! I'd rather be angry Jedidah than people see me be hurt, weak or sad Jedidah.

7Eleven && the drive by hustle

So I'm getting gas @ 7 Eleven for $2.46 (holla) literally 20 minutes before my shift starts because I'm a procrastinator ! (I live 23ish minutes away from this this patient. *shugs*w.e) Anyway I go inside to pay and there are 2 Asian men parked at pump number 1 and I'm parked at pump number 2. One of the Asian dudes holds the door open for me, BUT cuts me in line to pay. IDK! LOL just stood there and waited my turn. There was a man wearing some off brand ADIDAS sandals (you know the ones I'm talking about) grey knee high socks, plaid shorts && a wife beater. (Hello, its raining outside, mega damp and puddles.) At the time me and the Asian dudes cars were the only ones in the parking lot along with the clerks parked furthest away from the door; so I'm guessing he walked. Off some stuff maybe? MAYBE. Anyway we wait in line while 'crackhead' maybe 'basehead' pays for his purchase of $13.86 in change! Yes pennies, nickels, dimes, quarters, half dollars all of them. He got like some tobacco products and some chips, scratch lotto tickets and some candy. This is the same late night clerk as always, and I swear she's not thee fastet, she kept messing up counting the change with him. He was on point, I was on point, she was not. Anyway after that million minute transaction, her started shoveling the remainder of his coins back in his plaid pockets, dropping dimes and stuff and not picking them up. He then turns around to the line that went from just him, to me and the Asian dudes to a woman and another man who looked equally doped the fuck out the box and announces to all of us "got to love the astray change." I'm thinking to myself "umm you dont have to lie that was change from the Alahambra water jug." He grabs his bag and leaves. Asian dude says to the clerk "45 on 1". She says,"On 2?" He says, "no 1!" She looks out the window and was like okay. He walks towards the door. She still puts it on 2! I say "no I'm on 2, he's on 1 " and hands her my 10, she's says "oh okay sorry." Does her magic and gets it right. I go outside to pump gas then the fuckery occurs. A green Rav 4 creeps up slow behind me and the Asian dudes while we are pumping gas. I will not lie, I get a lil spooked, but I'm like naaahh we in Marina, right next to police station under all theses damn lights. Nahhhhh. Lol. TELL ME WHY some old school bald headed light skinned black dude pokes his head out the window talking to the Asian dudes and says "My man, I got fish, you need some fish? I got salmon, I got snapper!" The Asian guy said, "No, No" and some other stuff in his native Vietnamese tongue (I recognized, yes I have friends,yes Jordyns cousin Jacob && McKenzie are half Vietnamese and yes, MayLing and them at the spa try to teach me some stuff that I royally eff up everytime!) Anyway, dude dips in the Rav 4 out the parkinglot and I feel my knees get weak. Did this nigga, really try to slang his hustle while conducting a drive by at 10:50ish pm at the 7Eleven gas station to two Vietnamese men at the pump? GTFOH! IS HE SERIOUS? Doesn't he know Asians around here are SEASON FISHERMAN? HELLO! Bet he made no dough tonight. I know Barack said "Yes, we can! to change not to get rich or die trying a black mans a president imma come up regardless scheme!" Smh. Seafoad out the back your car? Anyone who buys that is headed to the ER for food poisoning. I almost died rolling for a good 10 minutes of my 23 minute drive to work. I was late and caught a cramp under my ribs.

candid conversations with a 3 yo

-840ish pm. Jordyn.B climbs in my bed to snuggle before I go to work-

Jordyn.B: "Mommy, can I just lay with you for a lilo and watch what your watching cause I don't have no more cartoons on my tv."

Mommy: "Sure" *pulls back the comforter and fox fur* "I'm not watching cartoons though."

Jordyn.B: "Soookay mommy, ill watch what's on your tv."

*fades back to Bridezillas on WeTV. 5 mins pass*

Jordyn.B: "Mommy are you married to my Daddy?"

Mommy: *laughs* "oh no baby, Mommy is not married to your Daddy."

Jordyn.B: *frowns...sad face... tears* "Why you dont wanna be married to my Daddy? You dont like him? You dont wanna be married to US?"

Mommy: *ahhh heart breaks wipes her tears swallows the lump in my throat* "Me and Daddy try to be friends. I know I want YOU, your Mommys baby I'll be married to you forever!"

Jordyn.B: *sniffles* "Okay."

*changes the channel to Noggin and we watch Oswald snuggled together while my heart breaks into a million pieces yet again.*

breaking point.

It always seems to come when its silent and dark. While I'm driving, or in the shower. My mind wonders, and I let my walls fall. After all no one can see me weak. I get tired of ducking and dodging the people who know me best, and their questions that I dont even have the answers to myself. I manage to paint on a happy face for the few hours I see Jordyn after school til I'm off to work while she sleeps. Frequent trips to the bathroom to re-apply the bandages that hold me together. "Mommy your peeing again?" "Yes, nosey rosey I drank a lot of water today." "Oh okay." Ppfft my daughter is nowhere near dumb.

*flash back to a candid conversation with a 3 yo that I still can't bring myself to write about in its entirety.*

-while picking her up after class at the parental units house putting her shoes on and gathering her things-

Jordyn.B: "Mommy what happened to our life?"

Mommy: *shocked, knew what she meant but didn't want to believe I knew what she meant* "What do you mean?"

Jordyn.B: "What happened to our life? It died!"

Mommy: "I dont know what happened to our life baby, I dont know." *heart broken because I did know.*

(In a short period of time Jordyn and I moved out my parents house, her father and I ended things for good, he had a girlfriend and moved in with her and her child, Jordyn spent time with them until he eff'd up as usual she left him he joined the Army and left for basic training and AIT. Mommy started working nights instead of days 60 plus hrs a week making them "ends meet". When baby is home, mommy's at work, when baby is at school mommy is at home, when mommy is at school, baby is with somone else. Baby is always with someone else :o( thus her life has been tossed upside down and her consistency is pretty much non existent. That's what happened to 'our' life.)

The shower is the perfect place to drown out cries and uncontrollable sobs with the hum of the faucet so someone listening cannot differentiate my liquid pain, sorrow and heart break from the hot water blasting out the shower head, burning me in the process from the inside and out.

The worst of them all is the combination. The silence, the darkness the shower and driving. Worst time ever to have the bandages start to lift at the corners from the strain of 24 hours of acting. Driving at night in slince in the rain is highly not recommended to anyone who is slightly undone. Windshield wipers are to windshields as eye lids are to the soul. Wipe. Blink. Clear for a second, then blurry again. Worst time to drive, best time to pray. Talk out loud, ask for that guidance, a watchful eye and comforting loving grace.

Maybe if I allowed myself to break more often, I'd never really break?

[Yes, I am a highly emotional person a true cancer by definition, but garuntee you'd never know, I play the role well, what can I say I was taught by the best. "Strength is only how well you hide the pain"]

ARTiFiCiAL MiDNiGHT

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aims. silent
sk rings. ignore
house phone. off the hook
email. unanswered.
text messages. maybe if your my cousin

tired. your day is my night, my night is your day.i read, read, read, read, peer in peoples windows and observe their human interaction, make up my own mind. watch, watch, watch, flipp channels, watch, listen, listen listen, ipods the double headed sword. think , think , think, worry, worry, worry, should of, could of, would of.

ANGER- dun dun dun ! MiDDLE FiNGERS! EFF you. more sleep, or laying with eyes closed whatever.

no, i dont wanna go shopping.
no, i dont wanna go to sacramento.
no, i mos def dont wanna go down town.
no, i dont want any company.
no, i dont want you dropping by my house un announced fyi: sure fire way to get cussed out.
no, i dont wanna do my hair, or even get dressed. its cold and rainy outside.
no, im not hungry. yes, i am.
yes, aunt flow came long cramping up my abdomen and given me major tude.
yes, Jordyn is sassy and sweet at the same time.
yes, I been in thee house lately, fuck its mine.
yes, i wanna drink it all away but i cant im better than that
no, i dont wanna take the pills no more they make me sick BUT I hurt.

yes- again im under that rock, it's where you can find me, my own artificial midnight. My mom says staying in the dark is detrimential to my sanity, thats the first thing that POW (Prisoners of War) are stripped of, their existence of space and time. I say when its dark and quiet I hear my thoughts alot louder and things become more clear.

de telefono

I hate it. I'd rather text, mms, aim, yim, email the hell out of people than talk on the phone for a few reasons: (1) Jordyn Brooke Elizabeth believes that the world revolves around her and the sun rises and set on her pretty little head (wonder where she got that from *shurgs*idk.) (2) I always seem to have a milli things goin on at once. Hey, I'm a mother I learned how to multi-task quick and (3) sometimes I just aint really got shit to say, really. But I will aim, text, or email you thee most random shit that crosses my brain, U L E S S, you are him. Then I just wanna hear your voice; never for too long, just long enough for me to hear you say my name in that specific way that you do. Just long enough to hear your smile in my ear, long enough for something you say to make me giggle, long enough for us to finish one another sentence, or complete it at the same time. JINX. Not long but long enough for your voice on the other end of the receiver to give me a kool-aid grin from ear to ear and jumping jelly beans in my stomach all day. 5 minutes of your time to make my day. I deleted your number cause you never call anyway.

TaPP OUT.

I quit! I am angry with myself for allowing you to get under my skin. I dont let just anyone get under my skin, I'd actually have to care about you somehow and in someway for you to affect me. Ffuuuuuck. What super sucks, is I doubt I get under yours or ever did. You of all people you... you know how I fear of loosing the ones close to me, and how I've lost love three times in thirty days DAMMIT! You know how I worry, you know how I can't sleep, when I'm upset. You know and yet, I feel like you dont care. You should know me, and what I do next, like clockwork- slowly moonwalk my ass behind these walls I let down and communicate through two dixxie cups and some string. After all the vibrations of your voice won't hurt nearly as much as your silence.

the little things && consistency... you forgot already.

CANADA

canada Pictures, Images and Photos

Ever since I can remember, I have had the uge to visit Canada. Why? I'm not so sure, maybe its because everyone drives VW Beetles, the health care is free, the way I giggle everytime I hear a native Canadian say "about." Maybe because two of my favorite childhoold television shows were filmed and based there? DEGRASSI && READY OR NOT!. Hell, I don't know but it's a place I feel like I need to visit in my life time. Mom tells me I should just move there; she says find a West Inidan community and settle in. PFFTT, maybe. My time line of being married by the time I was 25, is clearly out the door, so maybe Canada for my 25th Birthday? Maybe.

lump n. my throat

i dont wanna cry anymore i need smiles

I have Jordyn. B she makes mommy's heart smile.

The simple thoughtful surprises that make Jedidah smile...

homemade cards
new music
vw beetle collectables
HELLO KITTY
arizona raseberry ice tea
candles from victoria secret
a good book
lipgloss
sunglasses
GiNGER BEER
Beef Patties (not a deng hamburger WI food)

maybe someone will surprise me, who knows.

thee H U G

Chest to chest
Your arms wrapped around my body
My arms wrapped around your neck
Me on tippie toes
You staring into me
Me staring into you
In a tight yet gentle security embrace
Silence
Everything around us tuned out
Butterflies in my stomach
Tingles in my body from anticipation
My body heat mixing with yours
Silence speaks loud with no words
Enhaleing your scent that arouses my senses
Guards and walls protecting our hearts are non existent
Tunnel vision from my heart to yours
Thump, thump goes your heart
Silent breathing
Thump, thump goes my heart
Silent screaming
You squeeze tighter
I squeeze tighter
Thump, thump goes your heart
Thump, thump goes mine
Patience
Will it come, will it happen in this embrace
Will it happen with you

For a moment in time our hearts will beat as one
Two half souls
Becoming one whole soul
Thump, thump goes our hearts
At the same time
The most beautiful lullaby
... and when it finally happens
I will know for sure I have found my soul mate
If he hasn't passed me by already

What starts as a intimate embrace will lead to a spiritual meeting of my soul mate.
My rib
The introduction to the one God has designed just for me

More than a hug, but a spiritual meeting of our hearts and souls uniting.

&& he said

a man who ask a woman to come move with him
just doesn't like her
a man invitin a woman in his foundation
wants an establishment
a solid structure
maybe he sees somethin more than just savin or helpin
maybe ur that tool he needs
u gotta go with ur heart
gotta figure it out

.......

... the list

"The sound of the rain against my window pane is slowly, slowly driving me insane - I'm going down..."

Are so my feelings and emotions at this point. I will admit it... I am an emotional wreck and have been for months. Matters of the heart never come easy. Its time, time to sort through the mess in my life and get some stability, clarity, and understanding. Time to grow, that's what life is for isn't it? ยช A really good friend asked me today "what is it that you want?"- in regard to a mate. I said "I know what, I want." Just like me to totally not answer a question.

[Should be easy right? A job, their own place and their own vehicle. NOT.]

Maybe I dont know what I want anymore. Then again having a list of wants in a person can only set you up for failure. No body is perfect, there should never be a list. Countless amounts of times I've felt as though I wasn't good enough, or didn't measure up and I dont ever want anyone to feel the way I've felt before. So for shits and giggles if I had a list what will it consists of.

Lyrics run my life of course, if you haven't noticed already. Music is my outlet and when thinking of this 'list' the first song that popped into my mind was India Aires' "Ready For Love" These lyrics in particular.

"A man who loves music, a man who loves art, respects the spirit world and speaks with his heart..."

The song alone speaks for my heart, screams what I could never say out loud. Why, I'm not sure. Maybe I feel as though I'm not deserving of such things, as happiness. Dammit, yes I am. That's my insecurities speaking for Jedidah as they often do. Okayyyy... totally not answering my own question as usual. When will I realize that running is never the answer so I shall continue with my 'list.'

More shits n giggles lets start with the shallow.ness. Looks. (Lol they dont really matter much, if you know me, you know my track record and none of which were GQ models.) I tend to find beauty in people, that society passes by. Maybe because its been done to me plenty of times.

Off topic again. Here I go.

Nice eyes - sucker for them
Eyelashes- sucker for them too
Nice smile
Nice teeth
Taller than me please
Able to toss my ass against the wall in a good way :o)
Shoes - I can't stand busted shoes!
Nationality? Ahhh this is the killer for me. I'd say it doesn't matter but I'd be lying to myself. I've never dated a Black Man. Back to my track record. White Chocolate is what I'm most attracted to.
No not your "typical white male" mostly the ones with all black friends. Urban appeal if you must. Whatever.
Certain latinos - one in particular.

[SIDE BAR: the more I write the more shallow I sound.]

Spiritual. Not so much religious but believing in a higher power of any sort, I dont hate.
Artistic
Deep thinker- I need someone to hold my attention. MIND FUCK ME FOR HEAVEN SAKES. LEAVE ME AT A LOSS FOR WORDS.
Intelligent - I need for someone to teach me some things I dont already know, and being as sheltered as I am- that's a lot. In the books and in the streets.
Funny- I need laughter in my life. Make me laugh and its a wrap. I'm your regular comedian always ON. Super sarcastic.
Lover of MUSIC
Respectful of his MOTHER- its said a man who treats his mother with respect will reflect on how he treats his wife. (I've been on both side of the fence & sad to say its true.)
GOALS, ASPIRATIONS && DREAMS - nothing feels better than someone being an inspiration to you, and them not even trying. Just being them. IN OTHER WORDS- UPGRADE ME! I'm sick of upgrading other people. I want him to make me want to be a better me.
(One past upgrade and one present)
Stability- someone who catches me whenever I fall
Listener - sometimes I dont need anything but for someone to just listen.
FORGIVING HEART- I'm only human I mess up, I'm nowhere near perfect.
A MAN! Not a little boy trying to fill the shoes ie the sperm donor
BOUNDARIES! I need them. I am a spoiled brat, used to getting whatever I want! If I dont here comes that stank ass unattractive attitude. TELL ME NO. Put your foot down. PUT MY ASS IN MY PLACE WHEN NEEDED. I dont need someone I can run all over, I've been there done that and in the end after they gave and gave I still wasn't happy.
Encouragement- I get lost a lot, especially when I'm unsure. Just hold my hand.
A Parent- yes someone who is a parent. Someone that can understand, sympathize and share my frustrations. Understand my unconditional love for my child as does he. Preferably at this point in my life AS OF LATE- someone who doesn't want anymore children. Someone who will love mine as their own, because I will love theirs as if they were mine. I have my reasons. Pregnancy is touchy for me, I've lost two after Jordyn, cancer cells, a bad hip. My own internal issues with weight, I just can't do it. DOESN'T STOP THE BABY BLUES THOUGH. One day I'm crying because I want more, then I spend time with the twins and I'm so coo off them. Lol.
BALANCE & COMPATIBILITY! - I am by nature a high strung individual always clutter brained, I go from normal to the INCREDIBLE HULK in 2.5 seconds. Anger management issues. I need someone who is the total opposite. Someone who is level headed and thinks logically and can bring me back down to reality. I need an anchor in my life. A Happy Medium. A yin to my yang.

To be continued for now... because I went from what I want to what I need.

release me.

In order for me to grow, I have to disconnect myself from what I know

The very thought shakes my core. Anxiety and confusion plagues me.

Right. Wrong. Yes. No.

I'm just scared to give up everything I know to be left with nothing.

But its [not] as scarey as not knowing.

The shoulda coulda wouldas will drive any person insane.

Someone once told me " if you want something different out of life you have to do what you've never done."

Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh! Lord please guide me I'm lost. Again. Standing at yet another crossroad.

hmmm continued [scatterbrained]

I will no longer give up pieces of myself to be apart of someone else, I can't let go of the very things that set me apart from everyone else.

Easier said than done, as many things in life that matter. I'm not sure where I am in my head today. I'm just going to blame my emotional state on hormones for the time being.

"Be a good girl
You've gotta try a little harder
That simply wasn't good enough
To make us proud
I'll live for you
I'll make you what I never was
If you're the best, then maybe so am I
Compared to him compared to her
I'm doing this for your own damn good
You'll make up for what I blew
What's the problem ...... why are you crying
Be a good girl
Push a little farther now
That wasn't fast enough
To make us happy
We'll love you just the way you are if you're perfect "

I remember having the same feeling of not being good enough from my childhood. Mainly from my parents. They both came from nothing and made a bubble for my sisters and I, of the finer things. Even though they both served in the United States Army they were strict and played by the book with a twist. Keep your grades up, your room clean, stay out of trouble and you can have whatever you want. Good incentive right? One slip up and everything is stripped, and then the tough love came into play. Man, I stayed grounded, my Sega and Nintendo 64 were always on lock. Lol. Rebel I guess. I just remember always trying my hardest doing well and never getting acknowledgment for it. Dont dare speak on it because their response is "that's what you're supposed to be doing." I remember him telling me once "daughter, credit is given when credit is due." If there is anyone on this earth that can make me feel like dirt, it would have to be my parents. Of course they just want me to have a better life for myself and my daughter than they provided for me and my sisters; but truth be told- those are some pretty big shoes to fill and I'm failing miserably. I just want [them] mainly my Father, to accept me and all my failures. I can't compare to the many ribbons and medals, awards and certificates that he holds, nor be a fraction of the Super Woman that my mother is, but I do try.

The very day I deserved my credit because it was long over due, he wasn't in attendance. Shit cut deep. It wasn't till 6 years later a few months ago that he apologized and credit was given. And for that I am on the road to forgiving. Though he was the first man to ever break my heart, he's still my Daddy, I've only got one. As any little girl does, I placed him high on a throne, and forgot he was human as well. We as humans are allowed to make mistakes, and are allowed to live, learn and grow. I'm not sure why I let myself get lost in another person, maybe to be pleasing in their eyes or to simply not be a disappointment to them? It's a shame knowing that I am not entitled to answer to anyone but God, but yet I have in the past.

I let someone I care for confide in me and in turn I got offended, clearly understanding that it had nothing to do with me. I got offended because things were done ill heartedly to me in the past that I just can't seem to shake. Its not fair to let someone take the the blame for the damage another person before has left behind. I am aware its my own insecurities that haunt me and alter my thought process and distort who I am through my eyes. Yet, again another lesson learned. Learn, grow and move one. I can't be my own worse enemy any longer, I can't let me stope me from being happy with me, or those in my life. There is no day better than the present.

Thank you sir for providing me with another wall.

ahhhhhhhhhhhh

I wish I could change my daughters DNA alot of the time. Her father is working my last nerve and I wish he would just jump off a bridge and kill himself! Seriously he will put himself out his own misery. No we are not together, which means you cannot dictate what I do with my life, I dont have to answer to you, and you do not control me. The irate telephone calls and text messages are getting extremely OLD. Little does he know that I am not thee one to fuck with, you would have thought he'd would have picked up on that after 4 years, but then again he's dumb and immature. I keeps my eggs in my basket, and I don't let the right hand know what the left hand is doing....EVER! Call it sneaky, I call it smart. I save EVERYTHING. I REMEMBER EVERYTHING. Trust me when I say this I am not thee one. As much as I would like to accommodate the relationship between Jordyn and her father, I can no longer put myself through all the bullshit. I am her mother and her father! PERIOD.

*middle finger*

hmmmm

Okay, I know I am not the only person on earth who has found that they lost their self in a relationship. When we go from "I" to "Us" we have to learn to compromise. I have learned the hard way yet again. I don't understand how I can let go of the very things that set me apart from everyone else. This will be thee last time, I'm sick pf giving up peices of myself to be part of someone else.

...to be continued.

sick, love sick, sick && tired of being sick && tired.

At work feeling like shhhat. =o( My throats all scratchy, and burning, slight chest congestion, no major lougies yet, my heads pounding out of control and, my ears are popping, my eyes are stingin. antibiotic & ellegra, please kick in soon.

In the midst of feelin and lookin like crap, inner tourmoil is in high over time.

If someone asks "can I ask you a honest question and receive an honest answer?" and they say yes... but yet they answer the question "I'm not looking to be honest." What the hell is that supposed to mean? Its not soo much that they didn't answer the question, it was the comment made. If you cannot be honest with people in your life that care for you, who can you be honest with?

Yes, for starters you can be honest with God, and yourself, and then everyone else should fall there after right? I dont even want to ask or dig more into the question that was clearly unanswered it is no longer relivent, the underlining issue is they cannot be honest with themselves, therefore they cannot be honest with me. And knowing that, what do I do? Accept the "loop dee loop around the marygold bush" and take the watered down shot of the truth about what's really going on?

Torn. Must be that time again... maken cuts.

someone bring me some HALLS please and thank you.

aaahhmmmaazzziing

Life! I had thee most in depth conversation today, I have decided to let go of the past, enjoy the present and embrace the future. I have been saying that for the longest and have yet to practice what I preach. God, is good. He takes one of his angels back and brings another blessing into our lives. Pay attention when he speaks people! Pay attention, HE is trying to tell you something, you have to listen, a lot of times it is not catastrophic but more of a whisper, chirp of a bird, or blow of the wind. All I can say is pay attention.

"it aint real if you can't feel it" simple statement, HUGE impact. left me on HUSH STATUS for literally 5 minutes. all I could do was lift an eyebrow endure realities slap in the face and muster out a shocked "hmmmmm."

flash back!! *insert 5 heart beats for mood setting.*

"a heart is a house for love and I've learned that it dont take much to break a heaaarrtt... you've got to BUILD IT UP ... builllllld it upppp!"

lyrical therapy

this song makes the glass o so crystal clear.. this is what it is word for word... so how do i fix it? What do i say, what do i do. let you fly...?


"Sacrifice"

Who's the one that made you happy
Who's the one that always makes you laugh
Who's the reason you're smiling
And dragged you through these times so rough

I was the one that made you happy
I was the one that eased the pain
But I'm the reason that you're crying now
My own tears scattered by the rain

You can sacrifice me
You can sacrifice me
You set me free
You can be who you wanna be

Deeper than deep you took me on a trip baby
You shared your wildest dreams and more
You dare me to express my feelings to you
I never felt that need before

But suddenly you needed freedom
You felt the need to break free
You started drowning in your sorrow
You didn't wanna know I had the key

You can sacrifice me
You can sacrifice me
You set me free
You can be who you wanna be

You can sacrifice me, sacrifice me
You can be who you wanna
You can be who you wanna be


anouk... my latest lyrical obession she's right up there with me'shell ndgeocello. raw. deep. unct. passionate. real.

unwanted house guest

I WROTE IN AN EMAIL DRAFT ON MY CELL AND SENT... thus the eff'd up format. o well.

My dad calls me and tells me that "weirdo" is in town and she wants to
see Jordyn... and I'm totally not up for company, but I do miss my Dad
too... he soothes me. So I'm all "sure okay" totally un-enthused.

-background of "weirdo" and my fathers existence, pay attention because
its kind of confusing. My dad was a Medic in the Army where he met his life
long bff my Uncle Pete he was my dads personal machine gun man... saved
his ass many of times while putting his on the line. They been tight
ever since, I suppose going through the Vietnam war and being amongst
the few in their platoon to come out alive with only minor cuts and
bruises. BUT were both left with an extremely fucked up mentality that war leaves behind, t he same fucked up mentality that they share, the same fucked up
mentality that has them suffering from PTSD ... is the same fucked up
mentality that has kept them so close all these years. "Blood Brothers"
to its highest existence. Its eerie how back in the day they looked soo
much alike, I saw the resemblance in pictures from Vietnam. My dad was
pepper && Uncle Pete ...salt. Dad with a cigarette hanging off his lip
&& Uncle Pete the same. Mustache same.. standard grade A military
haircut, same "pointy" nose, same hieght, dammit they are twins...one black one white. Any way "weirdo" was married to Uncle Pete for a few years, and they were the 3 peas in a pod. "Weirdo and my Dad remained friends after the divorce to my Uncle.
My mom never really liked her, and she's like a freaking hippie nomad
vegiterian and she always randomly pops up every other year when she's
driven her frigging dust bucket across the country. *VITAL INFO* My Aunt
Chrissy just passed away on the 23rd of this month from cancer. She and
my Uncle Pete just got married last month, but they were together for
over 20 years and were fine with just "being together" I've always known
the two as my aunt and my uncle and it didn't matter they were white. It
never mattered because they loved us. They loved me, I was their
favorite, the child they never had.

so anyway my Dad comes to my house with "weirdo" and I give her that
fake hello and half hearted hug and we sat in my living room and had
meaningless chit-chat and thank goodness for Jordyn she loves to be the
center of attention so she came to life and entertained us. I dont know
why I dont like her and it could very well be becase I'm just moody as hell
lately, damn womanly cycle, stress, lack of sleep... hell all I know is
renegade was ready be unleashed. My dad went to the bathroom and she
says in conversation

"your mother doesn't want me to stay at the house anymore, so when I
come into town your dad puts me up at the hotel up the street"

and inside renegade is screaming "bitch cause one my mom is a very
private person we never had friends spend the night two you smell funny
and three you show up with out asking shit I wouldn't like you either!"

my dads super nice he's always tryin to help, and granted she has been
there with my dad through a lot, after the war his first marriage and my
half sisters, this woman has known my father before my mother and knows
my own father better than me. so him payin for a room for her when she
passes through doesn't strike me as suspect, he's respecting my moms
wishes and also staying true to his friend.

She decides to sneak into conversation My Aunt Chrissy which is an
extremely sore subject for me...

"you know Chrissy never liked me, I think because your Uncle Pete used
to talk about me a lot, ya kno...?"

I said "o really." renegade was boiling over like I wanted to say "bitch
how fucking dare you come in here speaking on my recently deceased aunt
bitchhh I will slap that fucking smirk off your face sooo fast!"

I counted backwards and sat on my hands cause they were shaken as they
do when I get pisst and I try to control my anger... most of the time I
burst into tears trying to contain the anger... because it really isn't
anger I'm feeling its masked over hurt and sadness.

Jordyn continued to entertain her, read her books, I chatted with my dad
and "weirdo" felt the need to put who two raggedy cents in from time to
time. I just half smiled in pseudo agreement. I am very respectful of my
Dad and I hate being a disappointment to him, so I kept my cool. Played
nice, for him. So my dad went outside to call my Mom to see if she
wanted to come over too and visit with "weirdo" too. I already knew she
was gonna say no, I think he did as well because he went outside to talk
to her.

then she says when my dad is out of ear shot once again with her fucking bull shit.

"what kind of cancer did Chrissy have? Your dad didn't tell me, at
least I dont remember If he did. When I speak to your dad I always ask
about Pete and how he's doing... "

I just looked at her and my face must of said it all...cause she stfu
real quick. I took a deep breath and I was like "ummm that's a sore
subject for me... liver cancer..."

"oh I was sure shed (Chrissy) pass before my mother, she had pancreatic cancer,
but she held on for a while."

and at this point my eyes are stinging and there's a lump in my throat.
renegade wanted to say "BITCH WHO THE FUCK DO U THINK YOU ARE COMIN IN
MY HOUSE AND TRYIN TO TALK SHIT ON THE LOW ABOUT MY FUCKIN AUNT. BITCH I
DONT KNOW YOU, I WILL KICK YOUR FUCKIN ASS" I wanted to grab her head
and bang that shit into the arm rest of my couch. I wanted to snap her
fucking raggedy ass neck! I just wanted her to gtfo my house and stop
talkin to me! Stop talking her shit, stop acting like you give a fuck.
Just fucking stop.

I say..." San Francisco will never be the same."

she said "yes, you visited them a lot didn't you?"

I said "yes I did, all the time" renegade wanted to say "why do you
care, they weren't visits that was my second home, every summer for a
few weeks, my whole freshman yr in college @ csuh they were a BART ride
away, whenever I wanted, whatever I wanted! They loved me, I was their
"Dee" Bitch just respect her, she gone and she's not coming back!"

My dad comes back inside and says, "mom says she's tired, and is in her
pajams already, so I guess that's my que to go home..."

we said our goodbyes, I gave my dad Stop - Loss to watch. Warned him it
was graphic but a good movie none the less. he gave me money and jordyn
candy... they left...

and I'm here pissstt, feeling disrespected, hurt, angry, sad,
frustrated! aahhhhhhhh.

bet that bitch is goin to try and weasel her way back into my Uncles
Life. I'm not havin that shit. I am going to speak with my Dad about
this when I cool off. I know he knew something was up, we are so much
alike. If he doesn't call me on it tonight, he will the next time he
sees me. I know him, I just dont know what I'm going to say aside from
"I dont like "weirdo" there's something about her that I dont like..."

Aunt Chrissy has been cremated. There will be a service next month at
their house in San Francisco. I'm going to go. Its gonna be hard to be
there and not see her face... her beautiful face... her head full of
long curly thick onyx hair, her hugs, her "organic" smell mixed with
wine and perfume. Its gonna break my heart to see my Uncle without his
"soulmate" Because thats all I've known was them as "one." I can't run, I
can't hide, I have to say goodbye. I wanted to ask for some of her, but
... I just can't.

ever seen something so beautiful it made you cry?

awww my heart, their bodies, the lyrics, the connection, the believability..aahhh i cried.




"Lost"

If roses are meant to be red
And violets to be blue
Why isn't my heart meant for you

My hands longing to touch you
But I can barely breathe
Starry eyes that make me melt
Right in front of me

Lost in this world
I even get lost in this song
And when the lights go down
That is where I'll be found

This music's irresistible
Your voice makes my skin crawl
Innocent and pure
I guess you heard it all before

Mister Inaccessible
Will this ever change
One thing that remains the same
You're still a picture in a frame

Lost in this world
I even get lost in this song
And when the lights go down
That is where I'll be found

I get lost in this world
I get lost in your eyes
And when the lights go down
That's where I'll be found
Yeah yeah

I get lost in this world
I get lost in your eyes
And when the lights go down
Am I the only one
Ooh

man

i work harder than a motherfucker.... CAUSE IM THAT DAMN MOTHERFUCKER!.

when it all falls down... more to come when i get it together upstairs.

its hard out here for a PIMP


... LOL. MM MM MM MM MMMMMMM the eyes, drown me please. Terrence Howard. I heard about him doing an album a while back, but my trusty, dusty, buddy ZAE.boOgie, laced me! I was floor'd. His tone, the rasp, the soul, the emotion, the words, everything. here listen. Ohhhhh the Lyrical.Therapy, its a good high. Take it in.


MusicPlaylist

*Le sigh*



Que & Dawn make me sick! Oh soo love sick. aaaah lol. Watching last nights episode of Making the Band && a re-run today killed me. I'm soo JELLY. We used to watch it together all the time, he used to say I looked like her ( along with a few other blind people in the world lol), maybe a slight resemblance... but I think he did it cause he knows it makes me all mad.

Haha maybe he just like to see "the wrinkle over her nose when she makes her angry face..." *squinches nose*

God Bless what they have, it is beautiful, may the world not taint what they have. I'm Jelly.


I WANT [MY] QUE BACK. I MISS HIM.

[side note: keep your Dawn comments to yourself! Hmmppph.]

&& another one

RIP Auntie Chrissy 9-23-08 2:23pm at home.... It's been a battle and you fought it well, 6 weeks my ass you were here for months. My poor Uncle Pete. I'm scared he is next to go, hard headed just like my Daddy. Remember You and Uncle Pete said Ruby can come stay with me if worse comes to worse, I love her, jojo would have a ball with her, but it would be bitter sweet because Uncle Pete will be gone as well. AAhhh I'm so mad with myself for not coming to see you even though you told Dad that you didnt want anyone to see you the way you were, but I just wanted to hug you and kiss you one last time and tell you that I loved you. My heart hurts. I will miss your laugh, I will miss the wine we shared (even though a lot of the times I wasn't of age.) I will miss the scooter, and the lunch dates, and the movies. Remember when we went to see Armeggedeon and I cried the entire movie and the ride home. Trips to San Francisco will NEVER be the same, I can't just drop by and say hello. That makes me sad. I know you are in a better place now, resting peacefully. Please watch over Jordyn and I... we shall meet again.


How much love and life needs to be taken away from me? No one ever stays. I miss you all deeply.

god is good

yes, it hurts... soo bad.. yet I have this unexplainable joy in my heart right now. I can't expalin it, I dont understand it, I'm just embracing it.

broken heart with a smile on my face. I must be sick... maybe it was broken dreams, or better yet just disappointment. all I know is I was shaken like hell, chest felt like caving in... managed to not have an anxiety attack. && after it was all said and done... I looked at her, and my heart smiled, the tears fell but I was smiling.

I prayed, thanked HIM. "I dont know what your trying to teach me, but I'm open lead me and guide me... thank you for what I have and will receive. thank u thank u thank u."

the joy must come from me seeing the changes I'm maken in life. it feels soo good to notice you have grown, yet the growing pains felt like death at the time.

lessoned learned.

WATCH OUT FOR BRICK WALLS! it hurts like hell to run into one while your too busy lookin over your shoulder.

ill nurse my injury... mend what's left and keep it for me. I now KNOW my worth.. I'm worth a lot. Shame I let myself get lost again... but I always come back harder and stronger. Lifes a game. I'm the OWNER of my team... I continue to cut the disposable players. No traden or replacen, as long as I have my 5 starters we can still play ball.

=) ooyyiiieee buddy. I'm ready time for the emotional rollercoaster... "lovin you was nothing healthy, loving you was never good for me..." Gotta love Jedidah before I can love someone else.

*Le sigh*

a broken heart still hurts no matter how old you are...

lyrical therapy.

I remember when you filled my heart with joy
was I blind to the truth, just there to fill the space?
cause now, you have no interest in anything that I have to say
and I've allowed you to make me feel

(I feel so dumb)

what kind of fool am I?
you so easily set me aside

you made a fool of me
tell me why
you say that you don't care, but
we made love, tell me why
you made a fool of me
you made a fool of me

I want to kiss you
does she want you with the pain that I do?
I can smell you in my dreams
and now that we're face to face, you won't look me in the eye
no time, no friendship, no love

you say don't touch you
I can't touch you no more
can't touch you anymore, anymore

you made a fool of me
tell me why, tell me why
you say that you don't care, but
we made love, tell me why
you made a fool of me
tell me why
you made a fool of me
tell me why

feeling like shit

everything I touch I taint...I spoke too much, too fast, from my past, my present, and sought out to kill subconciously. It's a never ending cycle for me, I realize that. I feel like shit. I shot down his last glimpse of hope and faith he had to hold on, and I was supposed to be his backbone and help him be strong and I killed it and realized way too late, after the words traveled from me to him, I couldn't take them back. THEN I RAN INTO THE BRICK WALL my damnself. Got my own dose of reality, learned soo much in soo little time now I'm left trying to deal. pphhucckk me. dude. I'm sorry. I am sooo sorry.

candid conversations with a three yr old part 2

[actually happened before part one. oh well.]

Jordyn. B: "mommy are you a happy mommy today?"

Mommy: *stops watching tv and pays attention to her and the question just asked* "huh?"

Jordyn. B: "i want you to be a happy mommy and not a mean, or angry or sad mommy okay?"

Mommy: *stunned* "you make mommy happy" *slowly dies inside*

&& at that moment I knew I wasn't doing as good of an "acting" job, as I thought. I was wearing my heart on my sleeve for all to see, and of all people my three year old picked up on it. Can't put nothing past her, she is her mothers daughter, soo much like myself its crazy to digest sometimes. I made that. Without me she would never be. I am soo thankful for her.

It's amazing how smart she is, or a child can be period. So innocent, and pure, until they are tainted by the world.

candid conversations with a three yr old pt 1



Jordyn. B: "mommy what is fertile?"

Mommy: "fertile?"

Jordyn. B: "yes, fertile! what is thats (yes with an "s")

Mommy: *confused look* "umm fertile is a state.. well its a time where something is ready or at its peak to bring new life."

Jordyn. B: "oh thats fertile. *sighs* okay *smacks lips like she really understood me*

Mommy: " okay, the earth is fertile or can be made fertile so trees and plants can grow."

Jordyn. B: *serious look* "mommy are you fertile?"

Mommy: *surprised* " Am I fertile?.. ugh I better be, I'm only 24, but mommy doesnt want anymore flowers right now you are the only flower I need."

Jordyn. B: *smiles BIG* "cause im mommys baby!" *confused look* mommy am I fertile?"

Mommy: *shocked* "you better not be UNTIL YOUR THIRTY!"

Jordyn. B: *eyes big* "but mommy, I can have a baby in my tummy too and I will be a mommy too like I am for my baby dolls..."

Mommy: *interupts* "no babies until your THIRTY, thats 27 years from now!"

Jordyn. B: *puts up all ten fingers* "this many years?"

Mommy: "tripple that!"

Jordyn. B: "mommy you're soo funny, I love you." BUT I do have a baby in my tummy, his name is baby DOO- DOO (baby doo doo is what her uncle tells her when she has to go number two... jordyn gotta go drop baby doo-doo off at the pool.)

Mommy: *crackin up laughin, because shes killin me with her smart remarks, and quick questions and answers... I taught her well* "I love you shomorrah." *gives kisses and a tickle party*

ends conversation.

wow


I just finished having thee most intense conversation with my friend Zae. It was ridic how much I learned about myself and my present state through him. I was giving him advice that I need to use myself, and I am goin to try my hardest because we all know taking your own advice is easier said than done. Poor Zae I feel for him because I have been in his shoes before and also in his ex's shoes. long story short, he eff'd up subconsciously, didn't show her love and affection and in turn made her insecure about herself, she got fed up and left. And now hes realizing it and draggin his balls across the concrete trying everything to get her back. And im helping him. Totally selling out. I need my coochie coupon revoked cause I gave up all the womanly secrets and hes playings his cards right with my guidance and the tables are slowly turning in his favor. BUT I SWEAR HES GOOD FOR IT ... he is going to make the change for her because hes worth it, and hes going to be consistent without being aggressive and give til his heart wont allow him to give anymore. I told him if after I give him the game plan and secrets and he still messes up im coming to FL and breaking his knee caps off! He said I was crazy. Lol. I said I just have been where you are (still floating there) and i have also been where she was so I been on both sides of the fence. Boy o boy karma is a bitch and she is biten my ass hard. Another lessons learned. I totally interrupted the convo out of nowhere and was like "you know what cuts deep?" he asked "what?" I said "when everyone else in the world can see the goodness in you except the one person in the world that you feel it actually matters to, and it hurts to feel like you are not good enough or worth enough for them to give you that second glance better yet another chance." He said, "so true." I truly have some good people in my life and I thank God for them as much as I can, because they teach me when I'm just trying to help. Thank you, Zae ... together we will get her back, and if its meant to be it will be... if its not then you will be that better of a man for the next woman your with, better yet the woman that was designed for you by God, for your rib.

lawwd here I go again, I need to say that to myself in the mirror a few times. Matters of the heart never come easy. If there is anyting worth having in life, its worth the fight.

twelve nines



... my heart has beat approximately 42165120 since the day I ripped it out of my chest and gave it to you.

where do we go from here? continue the counting and the beats for thirteen or quit now, while we are a head or better yet lets hold our breath at the same time and purposly stop our hearts, in the sake of stopping time, stopping life as it is, and just be...

ASHTON KUTCHER!

okay! you can come out now.. go ahead. say it! " You have just been punk'd!"
seriously my entire life has to be a bad episode of punk'd this is soo surreal.
I'll have to fill in the blanks when I can see them clearly myself.
ooOh buddy, today was a bad day. tommorow, I pray tomorrow is better.
Jedidah,
I watched you today. I saw, I witnessed, I felt. I watched everything. You slept ALOT, waking up almost every hour on the hour. Movng from the bed, to the cold living room floor, to the couch. You were so restless, yet you could not stay awake. I watched you make an articficial midnight. No lights, no open blinds, or cracked windows, you made it as dark as you could in day light. I watched the tears fall silently down your face. I listened to you ask yourself the same questions over and over and still get no answer. I entruded. I preyed, I listened to your deepest darkest secrets that you shared in confidence with God. I was there, I witnessed, I apologized, I may have tainted your trust in me. Please forgive me. I wanted to hold you, and tell you everything was going to be okay, I wanted to wipe your tears away, I wanted to be there for you; BUT I COULDN'T FIND THE WORDS TO SAY.. nor the voice to say them in. Forgive me for just watching, and not being able to fix all that is broken
- Jedidah.
*yes, this is a letter from me to me.... do you think I am going crazy yet?*

blackgirlinthecity

heres an peice of a blog I read that toally re-adjusted my mind frame. slap in the face. thank you.


"Humans by nature are drawn and magically attracted to anything new. Sometimes it doesn’t matter what it is or what it looks like, only that it’s new. When we’re excited about the new we get the positive feelings that come along with it. I call it the ‘up and up’ phase. When you’re on the up and up you’re not worried about the foundation you’re building in the process. But when it falls back to reality what will you land on? Did you spend lots of time building a foundation or did you spend time partaking in the pleasures that took you higher? I think you answered the question yourself when you said, “ He wants to be friends but we can’t be friends. We didn’t start off as friends so we can’t end that way.”" -black girl in the city

*for full blog go to www.blackgirlinthecity.wordpress.com*

d e e p

MYPHYILOSOPHY

love, prepare yourself to shine i have no other way you should know by now no, theres no reason to hide we all know youve got pain we all know youve got pride i really love your pride as i see my reflection shining from the corners of your eyes yes, its my philosophy that when i believe in you, i believe in me, i believe in me love, im tired of nostalgia, its just trapped imagination im happy with right now no, its not that im afraid of something i may find its just all those designs we put on everything once weve had the experience romanticized until its worth a while my love, i want to know the truth i want an empty room that i can scream in dont have to believe in my love, i want to be myself but not all by myself, not all by myself yes, its my philosophy that when i believe in you, i believe in me, i believe in me love, i dont know how to say it felt good to walk away take back some of what is mine cause its hard to see you shine cause it hard to see you shining when im here slowly dying you know i dont feel proud to be so selfish i dont really mean to bring you down (yes, its my philosophy that if i'm accepting you you're accepting me......) yes, its my philosophy that when i believe in you, i believe in me, i believe in yes, its my philosophy that when i believe in you, i believe in me, i believe in yes, its my philosophy that when i believe in you, i believe in me, i believe in me


by far thee deepest i've read/heard/felt/connected with lately. thank you inner