It always seems to come when its silent and dark. While I'm driving, or in the shower. My mind wonders, and I let my walls fall. After all no one can see me weak. I get tired of ducking and dodging the people who know me best, and their questions that I dont even have the answers to myself. I manage to paint on a happy face for the few hours I see Jordyn after school til I'm off to work while she sleeps. Frequent trips to the bathroom to re-apply the bandages that hold me together. "Mommy your peeing again?" "Yes, nosey rosey I drank a lot of water today." "Oh okay." Ppfft my daughter is nowhere near dumb.
*flash back to a candid conversation with a 3 yo that I still can't bring myself to write about in its entirety.*
-while picking her up after class at the parental units house putting her shoes on and gathering her things-
Jordyn.B: "Mommy what happened to our life?"
Mommy: *shocked, knew what she meant but didn't want to believe I knew what she meant* "What do you mean?"
Jordyn.B: "What happened to our life? It died!"
Mommy: "I dont know what happened to our life baby, I dont know." *heart broken because I did know.*
(In a short period of time Jordyn and I moved out my parents house, her father and I ended things for good, he had a girlfriend and moved in with her and her child, Jordyn spent time with them until he eff'd up as usual she left him he joined the Army and left for basic training and AIT. Mommy started working nights instead of days 60 plus hrs a week making them "ends meet". When baby is home, mommy's at work, when baby is at school mommy is at home, when mommy is at school, baby is with somone else. Baby is always with someone else :o( thus her life has been tossed upside down and her consistency is pretty much non existent. That's what happened to 'our' life.)
The shower is the perfect place to drown out cries and uncontrollable sobs with the hum of the faucet so someone listening cannot differentiate my liquid pain, sorrow and heart break from the hot water blasting out the shower head, burning me in the process from the inside and out.
The worst of them all is the combination. The silence, the darkness the shower and driving. Worst time ever to have the bandages start to lift at the corners from the strain of 24 hours of acting. Driving at night in slince in the rain is highly not recommended to anyone who is slightly undone. Windshield wipers are to windshields as eye lids are to the soul. Wipe. Blink. Clear for a second, then blurry again. Worst time to drive, best time to pray. Talk out loud, ask for that guidance, a watchful eye and comforting loving grace.
Maybe if I allowed myself to break more often, I'd never really break?
[Yes, I am a highly emotional person a true cancer by definition, but garuntee you'd never know, I play the role well, what can I say I was taught by the best. "Strength is only how well you hide the pain"]