sleepless and scatterbrained as usual.

I'm hella tired, yet I can't sleep as usual. Maybe I should be knocking out these last chapters and starting my two final papers... Idk im just not feeling it right now, i work better under pressure... lol the day before. I went to dinner with my girls bean, rae, kim, and cen for beans bday (i footed me and Beans bill .NOT CHEAP. happy bday bean 24 wooo)at LaLa Grill... sooo good. I had a fatty bbq onion ring sammich and fries and a LaLa signiture MOJITO! Yes, I know I quit drinking... for the most of most parts but it was Beans bday. The girls laughed at me because they said I was baby sitting my drink. I ate my food and waited until I was finshed with my meal and drank it, it was really watered down by then... and I was feeling warm. lol SUPER LIGHT WEIGHT. I surprising the hell out of myself because a few months ago you could mos def call me an alcoholic... well a wino cause that used to be my shit! But these days I dont even have the desire or the want to drink. I am so not the same person I used to. I can finally see the change in myself. It is a wonderful thing to see a change within yourself, that everyone else has noticed before you did. I am a work and progress and always will be, and I am okay with that. Anyway, dinner was bitter sweet because I sat at the table looking at the girls and I got sad because even though we are still friends, things just are not the same. WE USED TO HANG TOUGH (ahhh NEW KIDS ON THE BLOCK what you know bout that!). We are getting older and leading our own lives and starting our own families. Clubbing and partying are mos def a thing of the past for us all. Rae said she went out on wednesday night and left at 11:30 because the crowd was young, all the youngsters are now old enough to drink and it was her que to go. It's been my que for almost a year. I dont go out here in down town Monterey Bay because it is way too played out, and everytime I go I see the same ass wack ass aint doing shit with their lives people from high school, some older and some younger and I have to stop and think... hmmm im just as lame. Like the saying goes " how would you know I was looking at you if you were not looking at me." I hate that we have to make appointments to see one another a catch up aside from short convos and text messages, but I am blessed with some really good friends. I can always count on them. I have really been asking myself, what am I still doing here in MB? Yes, it is home, but it is also a black hole. If you don't get out you will be stuck here forever. Im staying for my daughter mostly, my parents, sisters and neices and nephews are here, her God parents and her sperm donors familys are here aswell. It takes a village to raise a child, and I'm blessed to have a big village. [SIDEBAR:who says blessed and shit in the same blog tho? lol I said I was a work in progress ;o)] I am very overprotective of my child, I dont let just anyone watch her unless its family, and SOME FAMILY IS NOT INCLUDED. Ness and Bean are the only two friends that I let babysit her, and that was because they were my last of last resorts. It's time to stretch my wings and fly. The one thing that I want most is to move, fuse the two dysfunctional families into one functional family (thats the way he says it)get my degree, start teaching, and be able to have my parents come visit me and wait on them hand and foot so they can relax because Lord knows they need a vacation. The very thought of it makes my heart smile. I will. I am. Getting my ducks in order with time.

came home feelin myself off that watered down mojito and MAYBE the meds for my migraine *shurgs* lol .iPHOTO. is what I call it when the photographer steps in front of the camera. Yikes I'm still shy about showing my work to the world. I've been told I was good. Idk, i guess i find beauty in everything ... even me sometimes... whatevs busy day tomorrow - appointment.&& work again.

okay now serious...i.PHOTO'S self portrait.gnight.

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