... the list

"The sound of the rain against my window pane is slowly, slowly driving me insane - I'm going down..."

Are so my feelings and emotions at this point. I will admit it... I am an emotional wreck and have been for months. Matters of the heart never come easy. Its time, time to sort through the mess in my life and get some stability, clarity, and understanding. Time to grow, that's what life is for isn't it? ª A really good friend asked me today "what is it that you want?"- in regard to a mate. I said "I know what, I want." Just like me to totally not answer a question.

[Should be easy right? A job, their own place and their own vehicle. NOT.]

Maybe I dont know what I want anymore. Then again having a list of wants in a person can only set you up for failure. No body is perfect, there should never be a list. Countless amounts of times I've felt as though I wasn't good enough, or didn't measure up and I dont ever want anyone to feel the way I've felt before. So for shits and giggles if I had a list what will it consists of.

Lyrics run my life of course, if you haven't noticed already. Music is my outlet and when thinking of this 'list' the first song that popped into my mind was India Aires' "Ready For Love" These lyrics in particular.

"A man who loves music, a man who loves art, respects the spirit world and speaks with his heart..."

The song alone speaks for my heart, screams what I could never say out loud. Why, I'm not sure. Maybe I feel as though I'm not deserving of such things, as happiness. Dammit, yes I am. That's my insecurities speaking for Jedidah as they often do. Okayyyy... totally not answering my own question as usual. When will I realize that running is never the answer so I shall continue with my 'list.'

More shits n giggles lets start with the shallow.ness. Looks. (Lol they dont really matter much, if you know me, you know my track record and none of which were GQ models.) I tend to find beauty in people, that society passes by. Maybe because its been done to me plenty of times.

Off topic again. Here I go.

Nice eyes - sucker for them
Eyelashes- sucker for them too
Nice smile
Nice teeth
Taller than me please
Able to toss my ass against the wall in a good way :o)
Shoes - I can't stand busted shoes!
Nationality? Ahhh this is the killer for me. I'd say it doesn't matter but I'd be lying to myself. I've never dated a Black Man. Back to my track record. White Chocolate is what I'm most attracted to.
No not your "typical white male" mostly the ones with all black friends. Urban appeal if you must. Whatever.
Certain latinos - one in particular.

[SIDE BAR: the more I write the more shallow I sound.]

Spiritual. Not so much religious but believing in a higher power of any sort, I dont hate.
Artistic
Deep thinker- I need someone to hold my attention. MIND FUCK ME FOR HEAVEN SAKES. LEAVE ME AT A LOSS FOR WORDS.
Intelligent - I need for someone to teach me some things I dont already know, and being as sheltered as I am- that's a lot. In the books and in the streets.
Funny- I need laughter in my life. Make me laugh and its a wrap. I'm your regular comedian always ON. Super sarcastic.
Lover of MUSIC
Respectful of his MOTHER- its said a man who treats his mother with respect will reflect on how he treats his wife. (I've been on both side of the fence & sad to say its true.)
GOALS, ASPIRATIONS && DREAMS - nothing feels better than someone being an inspiration to you, and them not even trying. Just being them. IN OTHER WORDS- UPGRADE ME! I'm sick of upgrading other people. I want him to make me want to be a better me.
(One past upgrade and one present)
Stability- someone who catches me whenever I fall
Listener - sometimes I dont need anything but for someone to just listen.
FORGIVING HEART- I'm only human I mess up, I'm nowhere near perfect.
A MAN! Not a little boy trying to fill the shoes ie the sperm donor
BOUNDARIES! I need them. I am a spoiled brat, used to getting whatever I want! If I dont here comes that stank ass unattractive attitude. TELL ME NO. Put your foot down. PUT MY ASS IN MY PLACE WHEN NEEDED. I dont need someone I can run all over, I've been there done that and in the end after they gave and gave I still wasn't happy.
Encouragement- I get lost a lot, especially when I'm unsure. Just hold my hand.
A Parent- yes someone who is a parent. Someone that can understand, sympathize and share my frustrations. Understand my unconditional love for my child as does he. Preferably at this point in my life AS OF LATE- someone who doesn't want anymore children. Someone who will love mine as their own, because I will love theirs as if they were mine. I have my reasons. Pregnancy is touchy for me, I've lost two after Jordyn, cancer cells, a bad hip. My own internal issues with weight, I just can't do it. DOESN'T STOP THE BABY BLUES THOUGH. One day I'm crying because I want more, then I spend time with the twins and I'm so coo off them. Lol.
BALANCE & COMPATIBILITY! - I am by nature a high strung individual always clutter brained, I go from normal to the INCREDIBLE HULK in 2.5 seconds. Anger management issues. I need someone who is the total opposite. Someone who is level headed and thinks logically and can bring me back down to reality. I need an anchor in my life. A Happy Medium. A yin to my yang.

To be continued for now... because I went from what I want to what I need.