o yah

new ink. 5 stars on the wrist for my five love lost. Aunt Chrissy, Mohammed, James, Dru && my brother J Bird. 3 Baby stars behind the ear for the babies, Ethan (my son)Clayton, and Faith. Next rosary around my ankle and resting on my foot with my brothers intials on the cross, the enitre outline of the Caribbean Islands on my left side, down my rib cage to my hip, and hebrew script on the back of my neck, cant make up my mind what exactly i want there and then im done.7 is a good number its a whole number 7 coverable works of meaningful art. <3


okay so im having some major cabin fever, seriously. I want to be by myself, and when I am I dont want to be alone. But there is no one near (aside from Jordyn) that id even consider sharing space and oxygen with, not even my friends, im just really not in the mood to be in my own skin. My creative juices are on an all time HIGH for some reason today and im frustrated because it's ugly outside, andi dont have a subject. Well I have Jordyn but what I invisioned is not for a child. Soooo when worse comes to worse use yourself as your own canvass and critque the shit out of you. So I did.

deng lil whooadiie (trials of a baby mama)

So my new SK LX came in the mail yesterday, thank you lawd because my other one was sooo DONEZO. I put miles on SK'S. Ahhh my BeHOLD IS ON THEE WAY I'M JUICED. Yes I am one of those people who have more than one phone. I have issues, I get bored BUT I have issues with change, I dont do change well but I played with it for like an hour at the T-HOMo store and I'm sold. It reminds me of my cousins DARE which I damn near nutted over. And all my apps and ringtones were xfrd' over and lookie lookie what I found chillin in my text sent folder. Hmmmm.


please go practice killing yourself & that platoon! lets hope you get it right the first time. call me what u want. I can care less what u think. I shouldn't of even told u half of what was goin on the small portion that I did tell u anyway. should of just let you call. let u make yourself mad. u better hope a check comes in the mail so u have something to talk to jordyn on. if not o well. leave me alone. really go do something with yourself, go catch an STD, inpregnante some chick have a shot gun wedding. and move on with your life. the short one I'm sure u will have. imsoodonewith you. goodbye.

Geezeee. :o( that's mild compared to some of the other verbal bidness I've given the sperm donor. I read it now, and I'm like dood really? You shouldn't have even wasted your time. Hella slacked on changing my number because I didn't want to cut all communication off between the sperm donor and Jordyn. It just didn't feel right. UNTIL I was fed up, he wasn't calling to talk to Jordyn he was calling to talk to me, either to talk shit about me being neglectful as a mother because I bust my ass work 12 plus hr shifts days AND nights and go to school. Please! C'mon now son. Or he's calling talking about he still loves me and wants his family black. NEGATIVE PRIVATE SPERM DONOR NEVER GONNA HAPPEN. I dont understand how you tell someone no, we been there done that we are oil and water we DO NOT MIX and then they wanna dig in their 'bag o feelins' and call u all kinda bitches, cunts, sluts, whores, etc?? And I'm like riiighhhhht, I'm all of that and yet your begging me? Dumb! So most of the time he doesn't even call to talk to Joey, he calls when she's in school or I'm at work. I just stopped answering his calls. VMail treatment tough. FYI I never check my vmail. The texts never stopped so. I told him to call his mom when she watches Jordyn. I changed my number and all is good in the hood with me. I got Jordyn a line and a lil cell and told him he can call that to speak with her. Has he called yet? NEGATIVE! Ooo Jordyn just thought she was bammmb.com when I gave her, her cell. 3.5 yo with a cell... shame BUT THEE SOLUTION AND LESS STRESS. Ughhh hell be home on leave in like 3 weeks. Ughhh.


Jordyn loves the hell out of that man though. Daddy's little girl. Frustrated the living bajeezus out of me that I bust my ass and she's all moody with me and he does nothing but feed her false hope and broken promises but to her, his shit dont stink. Yet! She will form her own opinion of him and he doesn't have to worry about proving anything to me he's going to have a hell of a time proving it to her! She is her mamas baby she dont take no ish! (3 months later and we are still waiting on the package he promised to send her, yet he was bragging about buying a new laptop. Ppfft) Too bad he can't fathom the fact that any success in life WILL NEVER OUT WEIGH A FAILURE AT HOME. HE SIGNED OVER ALL CUSTODY AND RIGHTS... his bad. Now he wanna bump gums about what he's entitled too. Please. SIKE YOUR MIND.

Oooo my fav line ever was "it feels good to know that my child support pays your rent." WTFeezy! Ha! Doesn't even cover my rent. And I make your CSUP for a month in a shift and a half. So please go saddown! The money he sends goes to Jordyn. Anything she needs and wants, she has it. Hair products for mixed kids aint no joke son! She's growing sooo fast out of all her clothes and shoes everytime I turn around. Yiikkess. && no we dont do velcro shoes from walmart. *shurgs* lets just say mom works hard for hers and her and her baby dont walk around lookin like just anything, blame the parental unit they spoiled me.

Moral of my random rant. Drop the dead weight and eliminate stress in your life.

Oo and I'm sick AGAIN. I been sick off and on for almost 3 months. Jordyn and I keep passing germs to one another. Its all those snot nose kids at her school and my patients too. Strep and head cold this time. Hella ghey. I feel like my head is going to explode from the pressure. Thank you lawd no vertigo virus, I had that 3 times this year. :o( all the stress and crazy work hours has my immune system shot and left me all wide open for the germ squad. I got a Flu shot && that made me sick too.

Ahh I watched the last days of Lisa Left Eye Lopes while getting my hair done tonight. I'm still trying to digest what I watched. All I keept saying while watching her documentary was "she knew it was her time" she saw all the signs, went through the motions and prepared herself for eternal life. Beautiful and heart breaking at the same time. The girl who does my hair and her sister kept saying she's 'weird', I disagree, she was highly misunderstood, and was crying out for help and no one could hear. She did what she was sent here to do had God took his angel back. Daaaamn. Soo much. More elaboration and feelings later when I think on it somemore or watch it again.


sleepless and scatterbrained as usual.

I'm hella tired, yet I can't sleep as usual. Maybe I should be knocking out these last chapters and starting my two final papers... Idk im just not feeling it right now, i work better under pressure... lol the day before. I went to dinner with my girls bean, rae, kim, and cen for beans bday (i footed me and Beans bill .NOT CHEAP. happy bday bean 24 wooo)at LaLa Grill... sooo good. I had a fatty bbq onion ring sammich and fries and a LaLa signiture MOJITO! Yes, I know I quit drinking... for the most of most parts but it was Beans bday. The girls laughed at me because they said I was baby sitting my drink. I ate my food and waited until I was finshed with my meal and drank it, it was really watered down by then... and I was feeling warm. lol SUPER LIGHT WEIGHT. I surprising the hell out of myself because a few months ago you could mos def call me an alcoholic... well a wino cause that used to be my shit! But these days I dont even have the desire or the want to drink. I am so not the same person I used to. I can finally see the change in myself. It is a wonderful thing to see a change within yourself, that everyone else has noticed before you did. I am a work and progress and always will be, and I am okay with that. Anyway, dinner was bitter sweet because I sat at the table looking at the girls and I got sad because even though we are still friends, things just are not the same. WE USED TO HANG TOUGH (ahhh NEW KIDS ON THE BLOCK what you know bout that!). We are getting older and leading our own lives and starting our own families. Clubbing and partying are mos def a thing of the past for us all. Rae said she went out on wednesday night and left at 11:30 because the crowd was young, all the youngsters are now old enough to drink and it was her que to go. It's been my que for almost a year. I dont go out here in down town Monterey Bay because it is way too played out, and everytime I go I see the same ass wack ass aint doing shit with their lives people from high school, some older and some younger and I have to stop and think... hmmm im just as lame. Like the saying goes " how would you know I was looking at you if you were not looking at me." I hate that we have to make appointments to see one another a catch up aside from short convos and text messages, but I am blessed with some really good friends. I can always count on them. I have really been asking myself, what am I still doing here in MB? Yes, it is home, but it is also a black hole. If you don't get out you will be stuck here forever. Im staying for my daughter mostly, my parents, sisters and neices and nephews are here, her God parents and her sperm donors familys are here aswell. It takes a village to raise a child, and I'm blessed to have a big village. [SIDEBAR:who says blessed and shit in the same blog tho? lol I said I was a work in progress ;o)] I am very overprotective of my child, I dont let just anyone watch her unless its family, and SOME FAMILY IS NOT INCLUDED. Ness and Bean are the only two friends that I let babysit her, and that was because they were my last of last resorts. It's time to stretch my wings and fly. The one thing that I want most is to move, fuse the two dysfunctional families into one functional family (thats the way he says it)get my degree, start teaching, and be able to have my parents come visit me and wait on them hand and foot so they can relax because Lord knows they need a vacation. The very thought of it makes my heart smile. I will. I am. Getting my ducks in order with time.

came home feelin myself off that watered down mojito and MAYBE the meds for my migraine *shurgs* lol .iPHOTO. is what I call it when the photographer steps in front of the camera. Yikes I'm still shy about showing my work to the world. I've been told I was good. Idk, i guess i find beauty in everything ... even me sometimes... whatevs busy day tomorrow - work.spa appointment.hair appointment.&& work again.

okay now serious...i.PHOTO'S self portrait.gnight.

one step away from you will lead to another step closer to me

Its time for me to go , I get up in silence , one last lonely tear streams down my face, I take one step backwards away from you away from the pain away from the fairly tales of a life happily ever after. Paralyzed by my actions I watch my feet. Another step backwards, and another. I meet your eyes and have no words left to say. My heart is pounding out of my chest, I'm sure you can see it, I know you can hear it. My eyes lock on yours, and I take another step away. Finger tips escaping the grasp, your embrace, the trance you have held over my heart til this day. Another step. One last sigh, one last blink, one last good bye. Another step, this isn't by the force of me- but reality. I was ready to stay in the wonder wonder land we built collectively in our own minds. With each step I take I'm placing all our memories in my heart, because you will always hold a big part. Another step away from that dress, another step away from that ring, another step away from all of our dreams. Those eyes, I will miss. Another step. Those lips I will no longer kiss. Another step. Those arms will no longer keep me warm at night. Another step and my foot prints feel of led, no more falling asleep with you rubbing my head. My feet are in competition with my heart, the faster it beats the faster I feel myself walk away. Another step my eyes still fixated on your past the pretty brown to your core.. Another step away from you leads to another step closer to me. Even though your face is beginning to fade, your presence still lingers and it haunts me. With space and time every step I take away, is another step away from yesterday will comfort me today. An every time I close my eyes I can still see your face. Another step, and I do the unspeakable and suprise me; I turn my back. I turning my back to you. I'm turning my back on all that I ever knew. A single step that transcended into a steady jog. I went from walking to running from you and back to me. Back at square one where the begining of the end shall take place, eventually it shall set me free. Only time will tell and will heal all wounds. I know I will tire myself soon- from running and when I do; finally stop... and take a breath, a distant memory of you and me, a distant memory of that ring, that dress that life happily ever after... a distant memory will be all that is left.

Hello self, oh how I've missed you, you and I -beautiful; we have some catching up to do.


Speak to my heart
Words need not apply
Look deep into my soul with your eyes
Penatrate the layers and break down the walls
Around this heart of mine

Speak to my heart
And accept all my perfect imperfections
Hold me close
For moments in time
Speak to my heart in our special embrace

Aahhh to be continued. Writers block.

check your reflection

And again I have come to a point in my life where I must stress[if you cannot be honest with yourself than who can you be honest with?]

First and foremost, God, yourself, then everyone else. Any given relationship between two individuals regardless of the situations,circumstances, or labels cannot function with out communication.

Lack of communication equals an unstable foundation. One can foolishly build hopes and dreams on a faulty foundation and have the audacity to be surprised when the shit plumates from cloud nine to reality.

If you and I cannot express our feelings, joys, pains, frustrations and struggles freely with one another- then what the hell are we doing here? Wasting time. Life is too short, I dont have time to waste.

Newsflash I am not a mind reader. I can't go around assuming I know what someone else thinks and feels. That's a recipe for disaster and downfall. If you dont speak, how will I know. If you dont teach, how will I learn? Flipping the script does nothing but push me away and bring down the walls I put up once I feel like my heart is at jeapordy.

Being honest with me, means being honest with yourself. Maybe your not ready to handle the truth, and maybe I'm fed up with the excuses.

Silence, it speaks volumes. I can't understand how a person can let someone make up their mind about you when you claim its against the grain. Yes, the world, I'm not the world. The world doesn't know you like I do, the world doesn't know you how I want to get to know you and learn you.

*le sigh* I shall continue to moon walk through the abyss with the voices in my head on 'shuffle.'


Hmmm. If I was not me I'd want to ROCK MY GRILL. So, one day I just woke up and stopped everything cold turkey, now wheening nothing. I'm a firm believer of mind over matter especially when it comes to pain. Any way, no more daily drinking of alcohol for me chasen that lunesta just to sleep. FYI: Insomia sucks ass. No more smoking Newports anymore. I guess ten eleven years was enough, yes since i was 13; what can I say, picked up my dads bad habbits. I super slowed down on the starbucks too. I don't know whats going on but my body is going into withdrawls. I am sooo mega moody, its ridic. I havent slept in forever. Ive laid with my eyes closed for hours on end, but i always seem to float in REM sleep never deep sleep because I'm trying to wheen myself off the Insomnia meds. Ahhhh killing me. This IUD is getting on my nerves too. I can go months without a womanly cycle... hmm this month it decided to show up. My face broke out from stress and pms. I never break out. lol Mega gheey Im supposed to be going to FL this sat- tues. I guess everything happens for a reason.

Any who Mrs. Wallace .5 of the PARENTAL UNIT (my mom) called me busting my chops yesterday. She super ruffled my feathers. :( the conversation went a lil something like this...

Mom: *west indian accent* "DeeDee wats wrong wit u gal?"
Me: *bland* "what do you mean, whats wrong with me?"
Mom: "are you eating? do you need food, gas, money?"
Me: "im fine mom"
Mom: "Is JoJo eating?"
Me: "yes, shes eating, she is fine she never goes without!"
Mom: "you know if you need something you can always ask for it."
Me: "uughh mom I dont need nothing from you and dad, i got this."
Mom: "im just saying gal sometimes its gets rough and we are here to help, thats all and you can keep that attitude to yourself for i come slap ya mouth."
Me: " you called me, I said no, im about to be 25 years old lemme handle this gosh, how else am i ever gonna learn how to take care of me and mine if i dont struggle and grow. i am the way i am now because of you and dad always spoiling.
Mom: "well we just dont want to see you struggling thats all DeeDee. You need to take a nap and eat, your grouchie."
Me: "I said im good, trust me you guys will be my last resort. just lemme handle this."
Mom: "Fine, i love you gal."
Me: "Love you too, bye."

My parents have broken their backs especially my mom to keep us three girls sitting pretty, never had to want or be without anything. If we wanted it, it was ours, as long as the grades were up and our rooms were clean. Okay, so I am 24 almost 25 with a 3 year old child and I have been completely on my own for almost 7 months now, no parents, no baby daddy, just me and the mini-me. Yes, the shit is not all cookies and cream. But im trying to learn. Leave it up to the parental unit, they would foot the bill until my daughter was 18. My mom doesnt seem to understand me when I say that Jordyn is my responsibility, shes my child, I need to take care of her on my own. And I say this because my parents care for my older sisters children and her and her baby daddy and she is 30 damn years old, a 12 year old, 3 year old, and twins 10 months! She aint got no job. My parents pay for everything. THAT IS NOT A GOOD LOOK! Sad to say I am ashamed she is my blood, and she is my main MOTIVATION on what not to be like. Anyway my mother and I have had this conversation before, and I know I came off crabby, but ggeeezzzee can i please fall and bust my ass once without the damn safety net. I will never learn if I don't and they are always holding my hand. I lost alot of lives this past year and I know my parents are not always gonna be here, so id rathter know how to deal now, than be stuck and culture shocked like my older sister is gonna be when they day comes. Ahhhh maybe i should call and apologize for my stank ass attitude... not today, maybe tomorrow. :o/

missin em'

hella miss my girls, lifes just mega hectic these days especially since we are all "grow'd" up. Ahhh mid twenties already. Too bad we all look 18ish. Anyway, Beans bday "get down do you" in Sacramento is off for this coming weekend, we just all have too much going on in life. Sooo dinner at LaLa's Grill on Thursday, dinner and drinks on me for the bday girl! I will not be sipping but, i will be eating. I have to get her one of those corny birthday tiaras or something.

Bean, Mimi, Rae, Mariezie, Ashikashae, I miss you beezy's.


"But with you
There is no guarantee
Only expired warranty
A bunch
Of broken parts
But I can't seem
To find your heart"

katy perry Pictures, Images and Photos

fyi: i heart Katy Perry!!! SHE ROCKS MY SOCKS!

Woot! her CD has been on replay in my car for weeks, since it came out. She's awesome. I forgive her for stealing my man Travie McCoy too. Whatever, they are gonna make some flyy ass babies!

-this acoustic version is great. =0)

Music Playlist

sleepy random gibberish at work, its bothering me.

Ahhh the word bothering bothers me. :o(

"People change when they get bored"


&& on that note *drops mic* I'm done with you sir... for as long as I can stand it. Who knows I may surprise myself.

Okay so Jr. & I had a conversation tonight and he asked me what was going on with me. I told him my hip and joints hurt from the cold weather and the pain medication that I take has started making me feel sick. Probably because, I feel immune and double up with out adequit food intake? Anyway I told him that my womanly cycle is on and I was especially emo and cried like all day. Of course he asked why, and also said crying is good for you. I told him I was crying because yet again I was beating myself up mentally about things I couldn't answer. He said like what? Totally reeling me in where I didn't wanna go, but I went anyway. I said, "I kept asking myself what was wrong with me, mentally, physically and emotionally as a girlfriend? And why do I always end up getting the short end of the stick?" Like really, do I walk around with a post it note on my forehead that says, liars, cheaters, degraders please apply within? Aahhh anyway he tells me its hard to say because I've changed so much (woot high five for that). He said I got the issues with the sperm donor finally undercontrol which caused a lot of problems, I stopped smoking. I stopped drinking. Aye did I tell, you I stopped drinking? Well, I did. Maybe one day I will share the reasonings behind my choice, but for now I will keep that for me and say it was time. Trust me it goes a lot deeper than that piss poor excuse.

Then Jr. dropped the BOMB on me. Lol he said one thing you can change would be the way you fight when you argue and how you go about it. Ughhh my face cringes. I swear I been doin good with this whole anger management deal! I whoossaaaw, I count backwards, a lot of the time I dont even say anything about stuff that has upset me until days later. But, I just listened. He says, "you know I dont like when you use the word nigga" and make your "nigga please look." I take it. I never told him I used it towards him when we fought because I knew he didn't like it nor approve. Duh, who plays nice when your fighting? I didn't even go there. Instead it opened up a can of worms in a different way. Out of nowhere I'm like "I think my usage of the word nigga is used in a way of trying to prove that I am black, because I got teased about it a lot growing up, chocolate covered white girl, etc. In the WI I'm not considered Caribbean because I'm americanized blah blah blah." Sounds super dumb, because in all actuality it is an ignorant word, used by ignorant, uneducated, close minded people. Why would I want to be associated or linked to or even compared to people like that? Jr. asks "Who are you trying to prove yourself to Jedidah? You dont have to prove yourself to anyone." Ahhhh I stayed quiet for a minute, and I agree. Then I'm like seriously who do I have to prove myself to? Thinking to myself EVERYONE, it seems. I feel like I'm under a microscope daily. My parents, my family, my daughters fathers family, Johnny Law, the sperm donor. MYSELF. Again, I dont tell him these things because then we'd dig deeper than I was ready to go with him at least. Instead I tell him that I dont use it often really unless I'm talking with certain people like my ghetto fabuloso cousin Ayana. && I slip in "my nigguhhhh" or "thiiiiiisss nigguuhh" or "niigguuhh pplleaasses" in conversation, its the way we say it to one another imitating comedians... either way nigga, nigger, nigguuhh same difference still ignorant. As for the look... all I can do is change the name from Nigguh please, to Bitch please, which sometimes it is. Uugh like Jr. knows but he doesn't totally know, like I'd break it down him but idk if he's ready for all of that or if I'm ready for that conversation. He knows and understands what I'm feeling but he who say it outloud. He is the 'twinkie' & I am the 'hostess cupcake' . Like I'm not from the hood, never been there never experienced it, so I can't relate. Most definentaly not growing up in the part of Monterey Bay that I did. No, I didn't have many or any black friends growing up and now, associates yes, friends no. Two cousins Yanna & Treecie and they aren't even blood. Maybe its because here there's a 'likkle bit of ere-ting a likkle bit ah dis ah likkle bit ah dat' lol :o) I'm always considered the 'token' bud of the white girl jokes. What the hekk ever. I'm not your average. I get my nationality mistaken daily. Lol. I get Indian from India and Fiji Indian a lot! There's quite a few here (shout out to one of my besties Ashika). I've gotten Ethiopian a few times and more so than none the whole "I know your black and something else, question." Shoot me please. How about I'm human? My mom says its my skin tone how its dark but gives off a red tint and my pointy nose and slanted/chinky BiG eyes. Whatever I'm human, no I'm not ghetto or from the hood, the word nigger in all forms needs to be wiped from my vocabulary, (I will let it remain in older posts and myspace captions). Hmmm I really dont think its the word itself that may be the problem, I think, well I know its the anger and how I go from normal to the Incredible Hulk in 2.5 seconds flat while intoxicated and how I build and boil over and everyone ones a victim. I've also mastered the art of lowkey talking shit, low blows, and beating someone down with words. Kill you before you get killed type deal and that was 4 years of learned behavior that I can't seem to kick to the curb along with his sorry ass.

Aahhh completely off I dont wanna talk about this anymore. Maybe next time he will want to dig into why I'm so angry? Pfftt ill pass that's a neverending conversation. Simple yet complex. Anger is a secondary emotion (learned that in anger management buddy :oD) its used to mask the underling feelings and issues. This I know, duh! I'd rather be angry Jedidah than people see me be hurt, weak or sad Jedidah.

7Eleven && the drive by hustle

So I'm getting gas @ 7 Eleven for $2.46 (holla) literally 20 minutes before my shift starts because I'm a procrastinator ! (I live 23ish minutes away from this this patient. *shugs*w.e) Anyway I go inside to pay and there are 2 Asian men parked at pump number 1 and I'm parked at pump number 2. One of the Asian dudes holds the door open for me, BUT cuts me in line to pay. IDK! LOL just stood there and waited my turn. There was a man wearing some off brand ADIDAS sandals (you know the ones I'm talking about) grey knee high socks, plaid shorts && a wife beater. (Hello, its raining outside, mega damp and puddles.) At the time me and the Asian dudes cars were the only ones in the parking lot along with the clerks parked furthest away from the door; so I'm guessing he walked. Off some stuff maybe? MAYBE. Anyway we wait in line while 'crackhead' maybe 'basehead' pays for his purchase of $13.86 in change! Yes pennies, nickels, dimes, quarters, half dollars all of them. He got like some tobacco products and some chips, scratch lotto tickets and some candy. This is the same late night clerk as always, and I swear she's not thee fastet, she kept messing up counting the change with him. He was on point, I was on point, she was not. Anyway after that million minute transaction, her started shoveling the remainder of his coins back in his plaid pockets, dropping dimes and stuff and not picking them up. He then turns around to the line that went from just him, to me and the Asian dudes to a woman and another man who looked equally doped the fuck out the box and announces to all of us "got to love the astray change." I'm thinking to myself "umm you dont have to lie that was change from the Alahambra water jug." He grabs his bag and leaves. Asian dude says to the clerk "45 on 1". She says,"On 2?" He says, "no 1!" She looks out the window and was like okay. He walks towards the door. She still puts it on 2! I say "no I'm on 2, he's on 1 " and hands her my 10, she's says "oh okay sorry." Does her magic and gets it right. I go outside to pump gas then the fuckery occurs. A green Rav 4 creeps up slow behind me and the Asian dudes while we are pumping gas. I will not lie, I get a lil spooked, but I'm like naaahh we in Marina, right next to police station under all theses damn lights. Nahhhhh. Lol. TELL ME WHY some old school bald headed light skinned black dude pokes his head out the window talking to the Asian dudes and says "My man, I got fish, you need some fish? I got salmon, I got snapper!" The Asian guy said, "No, No" and some other stuff in his native Vietnamese tongue (I recognized, yes I have friends,yes Jordyns cousin Jacob && McKenzie are half Vietnamese and yes, MayLing and them at the spa try to teach me some stuff that I royally eff up everytime!) Anyway, dude dips in the Rav 4 out the parkinglot and I feel my knees get weak. Did this nigga, really try to slang his hustle while conducting a drive by at 10:50ish pm at the 7Eleven gas station to two Vietnamese men at the pump? GTFOH! IS HE SERIOUS? Doesn't he know Asians around here are SEASON FISHERMAN? HELLO! Bet he made no dough tonight. I know Barack said "Yes, we can! to change not to get rich or die trying a black mans a president imma come up regardless scheme!" Smh. Seafoad out the back your car? Anyone who buys that is headed to the ER for food poisoning. I almost died rolling for a good 10 minutes of my 23 minute drive to work. I was late and caught a cramp under my ribs.

candid conversations with a 3 yo

-840ish pm. Jordyn.B climbs in my bed to snuggle before I go to work-

Jordyn.B: "Mommy, can I just lay with you for a lilo and watch what your watching cause I don't have no more cartoons on my tv."

Mommy: "Sure" *pulls back the comforter and fox fur* "I'm not watching cartoons though."

Jordyn.B: "Soookay mommy, ill watch what's on your tv."

*fades back to Bridezillas on WeTV. 5 mins pass*

Jordyn.B: "Mommy are you married to my Daddy?"

Mommy: *laughs* "oh no baby, Mommy is not married to your Daddy."

Jordyn.B: *frowns...sad face... tears* "Why you dont wanna be married to my Daddy? You dont like him? You dont wanna be married to US?"

Mommy: *ahhh heart breaks wipes her tears swallows the lump in my throat* "Me and Daddy try to be friends. I know I want YOU, your Mommys baby I'll be married to you forever!"

Jordyn.B: *sniffles* "Okay."

*changes the channel to Noggin and we watch Oswald snuggled together while my heart breaks into a million pieces yet again.*

breaking point.

It always seems to come when its silent and dark. While I'm driving, or in the shower. My mind wonders, and I let my walls fall. After all no one can see me weak. I get tired of ducking and dodging the people who know me best, and their questions that I dont even have the answers to myself. I manage to paint on a happy face for the few hours I see Jordyn after school til I'm off to work while she sleeps. Frequent trips to the bathroom to re-apply the bandages that hold me together. "Mommy your peeing again?" "Yes, nosey rosey I drank a lot of water today." "Oh okay." Ppfft my daughter is nowhere near dumb.

*flash back to a candid conversation with a 3 yo that I still can't bring myself to write about in its entirety.*

-while picking her up after class at the parental units house putting her shoes on and gathering her things-

Jordyn.B: "Mommy what happened to our life?"

Mommy: *shocked, knew what she meant but didn't want to believe I knew what she meant* "What do you mean?"

Jordyn.B: "What happened to our life? It died!"

Mommy: "I dont know what happened to our life baby, I dont know." *heart broken because I did know.*

(In a short period of time Jordyn and I moved out my parents house, her father and I ended things for good, he had a girlfriend and moved in with her and her child, Jordyn spent time with them until he eff'd up as usual she left him he joined the Army and left for basic training and AIT. Mommy started working nights instead of days 60 plus hrs a week making them "ends meet". When baby is home, mommy's at work, when baby is at school mommy is at home, when mommy is at school, baby is with somone else. Baby is always with someone else :o( thus her life has been tossed upside down and her consistency is pretty much non existent. That's what happened to 'our' life.)

The shower is the perfect place to drown out cries and uncontrollable sobs with the hum of the faucet so someone listening cannot differentiate my liquid pain, sorrow and heart break from the hot water blasting out the shower head, burning me in the process from the inside and out.

The worst of them all is the combination. The silence, the darkness the shower and driving. Worst time ever to have the bandages start to lift at the corners from the strain of 24 hours of acting. Driving at night in slince in the rain is highly not recommended to anyone who is slightly undone. Windshield wipers are to windshields as eye lids are to the soul. Wipe. Blink. Clear for a second, then blurry again. Worst time to drive, best time to pray. Talk out loud, ask for that guidance, a watchful eye and comforting loving grace.

Maybe if I allowed myself to break more often, I'd never really break?

[Yes, I am a highly emotional person a true cancer by definition, but garuntee you'd never know, I play the role well, what can I say I was taught by the best. "Strength is only how well you hide the pain"]



aims. silent
sk rings. ignore
house phone. off the hook
email. unanswered.
text messages. maybe if your my cousin

tired. your day is my night, my night is your day.i read, read, read, read, peer in peoples windows and observe their human interaction, make up my own mind. watch, watch, watch, flipp channels, watch, listen, listen listen, ipods the double headed sword. think , think , think, worry, worry, worry, should of, could of, would of.

ANGER- dun dun dun ! MiDDLE FiNGERS! EFF you. more sleep, or laying with eyes closed whatever.

no, i dont wanna go shopping.
no, i dont wanna go to sacramento.
no, i mos def dont wanna go down town.
no, i dont want any company.
no, i dont want you dropping by my house un announced fyi: sure fire way to get cussed out.
no, i dont wanna do my hair, or even get dressed. its cold and rainy outside.
no, im not hungry. yes, i am.
yes, aunt flow came long cramping up my abdomen and given me major tude.
yes, Jordyn is sassy and sweet at the same time.
yes, I been in thee house lately, fuck its mine.
yes, i wanna drink it all away but i cant im better than that
no, i dont wanna take the pills no more they make me sick BUT I hurt.

yes- again im under that rock, it's where you can find me, my own artificial midnight. My mom says staying in the dark is detrimential to my sanity, thats the first thing that POW (Prisoners of War) are stripped of, their existence of space and time. I say when its dark and quiet I hear my thoughts alot louder and things become more clear.

de telefono

I hate it. I'd rather text, mms, aim, yim, email the hell out of people than talk on the phone for a few reasons: (1) Jordyn Brooke Elizabeth believes that the world revolves around her and the sun rises and set on her pretty little head (wonder where she got that from *shurgs*idk.) (2) I always seem to have a milli things goin on at once. Hey, I'm a mother I learned how to multi-task quick and (3) sometimes I just aint really got shit to say, really. But I will aim, text, or email you thee most random shit that crosses my brain, U L E S S, you are him. Then I just wanna hear your voice; never for too long, just long enough for me to hear you say my name in that specific way that you do. Just long enough to hear your smile in my ear, long enough for something you say to make me giggle, long enough for us to finish one another sentence, or complete it at the same time. JINX. Not long but long enough for your voice on the other end of the receiver to give me a kool-aid grin from ear to ear and jumping jelly beans in my stomach all day. 5 minutes of your time to make my day. I deleted your number cause you never call anyway.


I quit! I am angry with myself for allowing you to get under my skin. I dont let just anyone get under my skin, I'd actually have to care about you somehow and in someway for you to affect me. Ffuuuuuck. What super sucks, is I doubt I get under yours or ever did. You of all people you... you know how I fear of loosing the ones close to me, and how I've lost love three times in thirty days DAMMIT! You know how I worry, you know how I can't sleep, when I'm upset. You know and yet, I feel like you dont care. You should know me, and what I do next, like clockwork- slowly moonwalk my ass behind these walls I let down and communicate through two dixxie cups and some string. After all the vibrations of your voice won't hurt nearly as much as your silence.

the little things && consistency... you forgot already.


canada Pictures, Images and Photos

Ever since I can remember, I have had the uge to visit Canada. Why? I'm not so sure, maybe its because everyone drives VW Beetles, the health care is free, the way I giggle everytime I hear a native Canadian say "about." Maybe because two of my favorite childhoold television shows were filmed and based there? DEGRASSI && READY OR NOT!. Hell, I don't know but it's a place I feel like I need to visit in my life time. Mom tells me I should just move there; she says find a West Inidan community and settle in. PFFTT, maybe. My time line of being married by the time I was 25, is clearly out the door, so maybe Canada for my 25th Birthday? Maybe.

lump n. my throat

i dont wanna cry anymore i need smiles

I have Jordyn. B she makes mommy's heart smile.

The simple thoughtful surprises that make Jedidah smile...

homemade cards
new music
vw beetle collectables
arizona raseberry ice tea
candles from victoria secret
a good book
Beef Patties (not a deng hamburger WI food)

maybe someone will surprise me, who knows.

thee H U G

Chest to chest
Your arms wrapped around my body
My arms wrapped around your neck
Me on tippie toes
You staring into me
Me staring into you
In a tight yet gentle security embrace
Everything around us tuned out
Butterflies in my stomach
Tingles in my body from anticipation
My body heat mixing with yours
Silence speaks loud with no words
Enhaleing your scent that arouses my senses
Guards and walls protecting our hearts are non existent
Tunnel vision from my heart to yours
Thump, thump goes your heart
Silent breathing
Thump, thump goes my heart
Silent screaming
You squeeze tighter
I squeeze tighter
Thump, thump goes your heart
Thump, thump goes mine
Will it come, will it happen in this embrace
Will it happen with you

For a moment in time our hearts will beat as one
Two half souls
Becoming one whole soul
Thump, thump goes our hearts
At the same time
The most beautiful lullaby
... and when it finally happens
I will know for sure I have found my soul mate
If he hasn't passed me by already

What starts as a intimate embrace will lead to a spiritual meeting of my soul mate.
My rib
The introduction to the one God has designed just for me

More than a hug, but a spiritual meeting of our hearts and souls uniting.

&& he said

a man who ask a woman to come move with him
just doesn't like her
a man invitin a woman in his foundation
wants an establishment
a solid structure
maybe he sees somethin more than just savin or helpin
maybe ur that tool he needs
u gotta go with ur heart
gotta figure it out


... the list

"The sound of the rain against my window pane is slowly, slowly driving me insane - I'm going down..."

Are so my feelings and emotions at this point. I will admit it... I am an emotional wreck and have been for months. Matters of the heart never come easy. Its time, time to sort through the mess in my life and get some stability, clarity, and understanding. Time to grow, that's what life is for isn't it? ยช A really good friend asked me today "what is it that you want?"- in regard to a mate. I said "I know what, I want." Just like me to totally not answer a question.

[Should be easy right? A job, their own place and their own vehicle. NOT.]

Maybe I dont know what I want anymore. Then again having a list of wants in a person can only set you up for failure. No body is perfect, there should never be a list. Countless amounts of times I've felt as though I wasn't good enough, or didn't measure up and I dont ever want anyone to feel the way I've felt before. So for shits and giggles if I had a list what will it consists of.

Lyrics run my life of course, if you haven't noticed already. Music is my outlet and when thinking of this 'list' the first song that popped into my mind was India Aires' "Ready For Love" These lyrics in particular.

"A man who loves music, a man who loves art, respects the spirit world and speaks with his heart..."

The song alone speaks for my heart, screams what I could never say out loud. Why, I'm not sure. Maybe I feel as though I'm not deserving of such things, as happiness. Dammit, yes I am. That's my insecurities speaking for Jedidah as they often do. Okayyyy... totally not answering my own question as usual. When will I realize that running is never the answer so I shall continue with my 'list.'

More shits n giggles lets start with the shallow.ness. Looks. (Lol they dont really matter much, if you know me, you know my track record and none of which were GQ models.) I tend to find beauty in people, that society passes by. Maybe because its been done to me plenty of times.

Off topic again. Here I go.

Nice eyes - sucker for them
Eyelashes- sucker for them too
Nice smile
Nice teeth
Taller than me please
Able to toss my ass against the wall in a good way :o)
Shoes - I can't stand busted shoes!
Nationality? Ahhh this is the killer for me. I'd say it doesn't matter but I'd be lying to myself. I've never dated a Black Man. Back to my track record. White Chocolate is what I'm most attracted to.
No not your "typical white male" mostly the ones with all black friends. Urban appeal if you must. Whatever.
Certain latinos - one in particular.

[SIDE BAR: the more I write the more shallow I sound.]

Spiritual. Not so much religious but believing in a higher power of any sort, I dont hate.
Deep thinker- I need someone to hold my attention. MIND FUCK ME FOR HEAVEN SAKES. LEAVE ME AT A LOSS FOR WORDS.
Intelligent - I need for someone to teach me some things I dont already know, and being as sheltered as I am- that's a lot. In the books and in the streets.
Funny- I need laughter in my life. Make me laugh and its a wrap. I'm your regular comedian always ON. Super sarcastic.
Lover of MUSIC
Respectful of his MOTHER- its said a man who treats his mother with respect will reflect on how he treats his wife. (I've been on both side of the fence & sad to say its true.)
GOALS, ASPIRATIONS && DREAMS - nothing feels better than someone being an inspiration to you, and them not even trying. Just being them. IN OTHER WORDS- UPGRADE ME! I'm sick of upgrading other people. I want him to make me want to be a better me.
(One past upgrade and one present)
Stability- someone who catches me whenever I fall
Listener - sometimes I dont need anything but for someone to just listen.
FORGIVING HEART- I'm only human I mess up, I'm nowhere near perfect.
A MAN! Not a little boy trying to fill the shoes ie the sperm donor
BOUNDARIES! I need them. I am a spoiled brat, used to getting whatever I want! If I dont here comes that stank ass unattractive attitude. TELL ME NO. Put your foot down. PUT MY ASS IN MY PLACE WHEN NEEDED. I dont need someone I can run all over, I've been there done that and in the end after they gave and gave I still wasn't happy.
Encouragement- I get lost a lot, especially when I'm unsure. Just hold my hand.
A Parent- yes someone who is a parent. Someone that can understand, sympathize and share my frustrations. Understand my unconditional love for my child as does he. Preferably at this point in my life AS OF LATE- someone who doesn't want anymore children. Someone who will love mine as their own, because I will love theirs as if they were mine. I have my reasons. Pregnancy is touchy for me, I've lost two after Jordyn, cancer cells, a bad hip. My own internal issues with weight, I just can't do it. DOESN'T STOP THE BABY BLUES THOUGH. One day I'm crying because I want more, then I spend time with the twins and I'm so coo off them. Lol.
BALANCE & COMPATIBILITY! - I am by nature a high strung individual always clutter brained, I go from normal to the INCREDIBLE HULK in 2.5 seconds. Anger management issues. I need someone who is the total opposite. Someone who is level headed and thinks logically and can bring me back down to reality. I need an anchor in my life. A Happy Medium. A yin to my yang.

To be continued for now... because I went from what I want to what I need.

release me.

In order for me to grow, I have to disconnect myself from what I know

The very thought shakes my core. Anxiety and confusion plagues me.

Right. Wrong. Yes. No.

I'm just scared to give up everything I know to be left with nothing.

But its [not] as scarey as not knowing.

The shoulda coulda wouldas will drive any person insane.

Someone once told me " if you want something different out of life you have to do what you've never done."

Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh! Lord please guide me I'm lost. Again. Standing at yet another crossroad.