Ahhh the word bothering bothers me. :o(
"People change when they get bored"
&& on that note *drops mic* I'm done with you sir... for as long as I can stand it. Who knows I may surprise myself.
Okay so Jr. & I had a conversation tonight and he asked me what was going on with me. I told him my hip and joints hurt from the cold weather and the pain medication that I take has started making me feel sick. Probably because, I feel immune and double up with out adequit food intake? Anyway I told him that my womanly cycle is on and I was especially emo and cried like all day. Of course he asked why, and also said crying is good for you. I told him I was crying because yet again I was beating myself up mentally about things I couldn't answer. He said like what? Totally reeling me in where I didn't wanna go, but I went anyway. I said, "I kept asking myself what was wrong with me, mentally, physically and emotionally as a girlfriend? And why do I always end up getting the short end of the stick?" Like really, do I walk around with a post it note on my forehead that says, liars, cheaters, degraders please apply within? Aahhh anyway he tells me its hard to say because I've changed so much (woot high five for that). He said I got the issues with the sperm donor finally undercontrol which caused a lot of problems, I stopped smoking. I stopped drinking. Aye did I tell, you I stopped drinking? Well, I did. Maybe one day I will share the reasonings behind my choice, but for now I will keep that for me and say it was time. Trust me it goes a lot deeper than that piss poor excuse.
Then Jr. dropped the BOMB on me. Lol he said one thing you can change would be the way you fight when you argue and how you go about it. Ughhh my face cringes. I swear I been doin good with this whole anger management deal! I whoossaaaw, I count backwards, a lot of the time I dont even say anything about stuff that has upset me until days later. But, I just listened. He says, "you know I dont like when you use the word nigga" and make your "nigga please look." I take it. I never told him I used it towards him when we fought because I knew he didn't like it nor approve. Duh, who plays nice when your fighting? I didn't even go there. Instead it opened up a can of worms in a different way. Out of nowhere I'm like "I think my usage of the word nigga is used in a way of trying to prove that I am black, because I got teased about it a lot growing up, chocolate covered white girl, etc. In the WI I'm not considered Caribbean because I'm americanized blah blah blah." Sounds super dumb, because in all actuality it is an ignorant word, used by ignorant, uneducated, close minded people. Why would I want to be associated or linked to or even compared to people like that? Jr. asks "Who are you trying to prove yourself to Jedidah? You dont have to prove yourself to anyone." Ahhhh I stayed quiet for a minute, and I agree. Then I'm like seriously who do I have to prove myself to? Thinking to myself EVERYONE, it seems. I feel like I'm under a microscope daily. My parents, my family, my daughters fathers family, Johnny Law, the sperm donor. MYSELF. Again, I dont tell him these things because then we'd dig deeper than I was ready to go with him at least. Instead I tell him that I dont use it often really unless I'm talking with certain people like my ghetto fabuloso cousin Ayana. && I slip in "my nigguhhhh" or "thiiiiiisss nigguuhh" or "niigguuhh pplleaasses" in conversation, its the way we say it to one another imitating comedians... either way nigga, nigger, nigguuhh same difference still ignorant. As for the look... all I can do is change the name from Nigguh please, to Bitch please, which sometimes it is. Uugh like Jr. knows but he doesn't totally know, like I'd break it down him but idk if he's ready for all of that or if I'm ready for that conversation. He knows and understands what I'm feeling but he who say it outloud. He is the 'twinkie' & I am the 'hostess cupcake' . Like I'm not from the hood, never been there never experienced it, so I can't relate. Most definentaly not growing up in the part of Monterey Bay that I did. No, I didn't have many or any black friends growing up and now, associates yes, friends no. Two cousins Yanna & Treecie and they aren't even blood. Maybe its because here there's a 'likkle bit of ere-ting a likkle bit ah dis ah likkle bit ah dat' lol :o) I'm always considered the 'token' bud of the white girl jokes. What the hekk ever. I'm not your average. I get my nationality mistaken daily. Lol. I get Indian from India and Fiji Indian a lot! There's quite a few here (shout out to one of my besties Ashika). I've gotten Ethiopian a few times and more so than none the whole "I know your black and something else, question." Shoot me please. How about I'm human? My mom says its my skin tone how its dark but gives off a red tint and my pointy nose and slanted/chinky BiG eyes. Whatever I'm human, no I'm not ghetto or from the hood, the word nigger in all forms needs to be wiped from my vocabulary, (I will let it remain in older posts and myspace captions). Hmmm I really dont think its the word itself that may be the problem, I think, well I know its the anger and how I go from normal to the Incredible Hulk in 2.5 seconds flat while intoxicated and how I build and boil over and everyone ones a victim. I've also mastered the art of lowkey talking shit, low blows, and beating someone down with words. Kill you before you get killed type deal and that was 4 years of learned behavior that I can't seem to kick to the curb along with his sorry ass.
Aahhh completely off I dont wanna talk about this anymore. Maybe next time he will want to dig into why I'm so angry? Pfftt ill pass that's a neverending conversation. Simple yet complex. Anger is a secondary emotion (learned that in anger management buddy :oD) its used to mask the underling feelings and issues. This I know, duh! I'd rather be angry Jedidah than people see me be hurt, weak or sad Jedidah.