unwanted house guest

I WROTE IN AN EMAIL DRAFT ON MY CELL AND SENT... thus the eff'd up format. o well.

My dad calls me and tells me that "weirdo" is in town and she wants to
see Jordyn... and I'm totally not up for company, but I do miss my Dad
too... he soothes me. So I'm all "sure okay" totally un-enthused.

-background of "weirdo" and my fathers existence, pay attention because
its kind of confusing. My dad was a Medic in the Army where he met his life
long bff my Uncle Pete he was my dads personal machine gun man... saved
his ass many of times while putting his on the line. They been tight
ever since, I suppose going through the Vietnam war and being amongst
the few in their platoon to come out alive with only minor cuts and
bruises. BUT were both left with an extremely fucked up mentality that war leaves behind, t he same fucked up mentality that they share, the same fucked up
mentality that has them suffering from PTSD ... is the same fucked up
mentality that has kept them so close all these years. "Blood Brothers"
to its highest existence. Its eerie how back in the day they looked soo
much alike, I saw the resemblance in pictures from Vietnam. My dad was
pepper && Uncle Pete ...salt. Dad with a cigarette hanging off his lip
&& Uncle Pete the same. Mustache same.. standard grade A military
haircut, same "pointy" nose, same hieght, dammit they are twins...one black one white. Any way "weirdo" was married to Uncle Pete for a few years, and they were the 3 peas in a pod. "Weirdo and my Dad remained friends after the divorce to my Uncle.
My mom never really liked her, and she's like a freaking hippie nomad
vegiterian and she always randomly pops up every other year when she's
driven her frigging dust bucket across the country. *VITAL INFO* My Aunt
Chrissy just passed away on the 23rd of this month from cancer. She and
my Uncle Pete just got married last month, but they were together for
over 20 years and were fine with just "being together" I've always known
the two as my aunt and my uncle and it didn't matter they were white. It
never mattered because they loved us. They loved me, I was their
favorite, the child they never had.

so anyway my Dad comes to my house with "weirdo" and I give her that
fake hello and half hearted hug and we sat in my living room and had
meaningless chit-chat and thank goodness for Jordyn she loves to be the
center of attention so she came to life and entertained us. I dont know
why I dont like her and it could very well be becase I'm just moody as hell
lately, damn womanly cycle, stress, lack of sleep... hell all I know is
renegade was ready be unleashed. My dad went to the bathroom and she
says in conversation

"your mother doesn't want me to stay at the house anymore, so when I
come into town your dad puts me up at the hotel up the street"

and inside renegade is screaming "bitch cause one my mom is a very
private person we never had friends spend the night two you smell funny
and three you show up with out asking shit I wouldn't like you either!"

my dads super nice he's always tryin to help, and granted she has been
there with my dad through a lot, after the war his first marriage and my
half sisters, this woman has known my father before my mother and knows
my own father better than me. so him payin for a room for her when she
passes through doesn't strike me as suspect, he's respecting my moms
wishes and also staying true to his friend.

She decides to sneak into conversation My Aunt Chrissy which is an
extremely sore subject for me...

"you know Chrissy never liked me, I think because your Uncle Pete used
to talk about me a lot, ya kno...?"

I said "o really." renegade was boiling over like I wanted to say "bitch
how fucking dare you come in here speaking on my recently deceased aunt
bitchhh I will slap that fucking smirk off your face sooo fast!"

I counted backwards and sat on my hands cause they were shaken as they
do when I get pisst and I try to control my anger... most of the time I
burst into tears trying to contain the anger... because it really isn't
anger I'm feeling its masked over hurt and sadness.

Jordyn continued to entertain her, read her books, I chatted with my dad
and "weirdo" felt the need to put who two raggedy cents in from time to
time. I just half smiled in pseudo agreement. I am very respectful of my
Dad and I hate being a disappointment to him, so I kept my cool. Played
nice, for him. So my dad went outside to call my Mom to see if she
wanted to come over too and visit with "weirdo" too. I already knew she
was gonna say no, I think he did as well because he went outside to talk
to her.

then she says when my dad is out of ear shot once again with her fucking bull shit.

"what kind of cancer did Chrissy have? Your dad didn't tell me, at
least I dont remember If he did. When I speak to your dad I always ask
about Pete and how he's doing... "

I just looked at her and my face must of said it all...cause she stfu
real quick. I took a deep breath and I was like "ummm that's a sore
subject for me... liver cancer..."

"oh I was sure shed (Chrissy) pass before my mother, she had pancreatic cancer,
but she held on for a while."

and at this point my eyes are stinging and there's a lump in my throat.
DONT KNOW YOU, I WILL KICK YOUR FUCKIN ASS" I wanted to grab her head
and bang that shit into the arm rest of my couch. I wanted to snap her
fucking raggedy ass neck! I just wanted her to gtfo my house and stop
talkin to me! Stop talking her shit, stop acting like you give a fuck.
Just fucking stop.

I say..." San Francisco will never be the same."

she said "yes, you visited them a lot didn't you?"

I said "yes I did, all the time" renegade wanted to say "why do you
care, they weren't visits that was my second home, every summer for a
few weeks, my whole freshman yr in college @ csuh they were a BART ride
away, whenever I wanted, whatever I wanted! They loved me, I was their
"Dee" Bitch just respect her, she gone and she's not coming back!"

My dad comes back inside and says, "mom says she's tired, and is in her
pajams already, so I guess that's my que to go home..."

we said our goodbyes, I gave my dad Stop - Loss to watch. Warned him it
was graphic but a good movie none the less. he gave me money and jordyn
candy... they left...

and I'm here pissstt, feeling disrespected, hurt, angry, sad,
frustrated! aahhhhhhhh.

bet that bitch is goin to try and weasel her way back into my Uncles
Life. I'm not havin that shit. I am going to speak with my Dad about
this when I cool off. I know he knew something was up, we are so much
alike. If he doesn't call me on it tonight, he will the next time he
sees me. I know him, I just dont know what I'm going to say aside from
"I dont like "weirdo" there's something about her that I dont like..."

Aunt Chrissy has been cremated. There will be a service next month at
their house in San Francisco. I'm going to go. Its gonna be hard to be
there and not see her face... her beautiful face... her head full of
long curly thick onyx hair, her hugs, her "organic" smell mixed with
wine and perfume. Its gonna break my heart to see my Uncle without his
"soulmate" Because thats all I've known was them as "one." I can't run, I
can't hide, I have to say goodbye. I wanted to ask for some of her, but
... I just can't.

No comments: