09072008

*sigh* He would have turned one years old today. My heart still aches, my mind still wonders, I still feel incomplete. I am still angry, I am still sad, I was forever changed that day in the cold doctors office. I still remember the words from his mouth that cut me deeper than any man made ojbect could. They cut past my extiror into my soul. For those words that left his mouth that day have haunted me since, for those words I CAN NEVER FORGIVE HIM and I will never forget. Me being in the medical field myself, I know there was nothing that I could do, and as much as he claimed it was my fault; it wasn't. It was invitable. What's meant to be in life will be, but it still does not replace the agnst and pain that still haunts my heart. The power in the bond between mother and child can never be explained in its entirety. There are no words. Just the emotions, and the void that was left and can never be filled. Everything happens for a reason, I keep telling myself that God wanted his angel back, so he can look over his mother and his older sister. All I have of him is a faint photograph and the extremely loud memory of his heart beat... it was silent. SILENCE SPEAKS VOLUMES. For the short time I carried him close to my heart, I became attatched even though at the time in my life another mouth to feed was not the best thing for me, but GOD he makes a way out of NO WAY ... he would of made it okay.

Today I will remember my son and angel as I do everyday and I am thankful that I have someone watching mommys back when others turned theirs. I am thankful for my first born Jordyn Brooke Elizabeth, for she has made me a better being. All I can say is thank you, and I love you && we shall meet again when my time here on earth is up. That shall be a joyus day.

Until then, Happy Birthday Baby you will never be replaced but I pray you come again in another form, to comfort mommy here on earth until I meet you in heaven.